Live in a Soft Haze

Chapter 2|Tigers

 

Live in a Soft Haze

Of delirium

A living dream

Always doing for them

For it

Did I know fear before my waking?

Did I know fear before this?

Did I step clear

of what I needed all these years?

These six long years

when mother became an alcoholic

where I had nowhere else to go

except stay in a fog of memory.

Who else was there to know

Where else was there to go.

Was pain a subtle aching

Or as tense as nerve and tendon waking

It all feels so different now.

Did I live in hope cope

Or did I understand?

This waking inside my minds eye

A trance lifted with steadying pace

Equilibrium strengthening

And emotion becoming real

Not surreal

It was all surreal

It was all not real

Is this childhood’s dying?

Or is it realizing

Who I am and who I am becoming.

An overpowering fear kept me from waking up

Listening without hands cupped

To the sleepy wall

Called my, MY EAR!

Am I finally paying attention?

Or am I finally coming to attention?
Did it all finally heal

Or is this the calm

After restlessness?

At last now I am aware.

 

Anxious fear is coming out of hiding

coming to know who I am

afraid that I’d be caught

If I came out and spoke aloud

Afraid they were all out to get me

When I was keeping myself at bay

And not saying what I really needed to say

Loved living in pain

And tried to keep the reality away.

Living a fiction. Inside my head.

Afraid to not need you

And afraid to let it all go

So used to constant caution

The shell shock has lifted

To let in the fact

That I am not as gifted.

As I thought.

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