Gratitude of grief

Things are very real today. I don’t know what is changing exactly. But my senses are alive and my energy is very sensitive. I want to cry and wail from gratitude. 

A friend grieved for me when they read my story. She told me she sobbed while making that zine. 

I feel so touched and grateful I survived to experience that. To have someone grieve and care for me. It has been a long time I have experienced that. To be told that. 

Too long. 

And my heart quakes at the thought of how long it has been I have felt loved. Just loved and appreciated and cared about in such a long time. From a once stranger now friend. 

And I mourn the loss of friends now strangers. Did they weep for me? Did they care for my life? My almost death? How long have they thought I did it to myself for some death wish? Only to know a lie. The truth has not been spoken or clarified. Not even addressed. 

So easy to let someone to go and give a quip about “better to have loved and lost” or “if you love it let it go.”

If you love it you hold on. You keep the love alive. You fight for it. 

At least that is the truth of real love for me. 

Real love. I have never known that, I hope to someday. 

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