If I Go, I’m Goin- Gregory Alan Isakov

 

Lyrics:

this house
she’s holding secrets
i got my change behind the bed

in a coffee can,
i throw my nickels in
just in case i have to leave

and i will go if you ask me to
i will stay if you dare
and if i go i’m goin shameless
i’ll let my hunger take me there

this house
she’s quite the talker
she creeks and moans
she keeps me up

and the photographs
know i’m a liar
they just laugh as i burn her down

and i will go if you ask me to
i will stay if you dare
and if i go i’m goin on fire
let my anger take me there

the shingles man they’re shaking
the back door’s burning through
this house she’s quite the keeper
quite the keeper of you

i will go if you ask me to
i will stay if you dare
and if i go, i’m goin crazy
i’ll let my darlin take me there

 

This song reminds me of my mother. This is how I think she views her life and me right now. She keeps threatening to just disappear. And the thing is she already is, drinking herself to death. It is the hardest thing to watch. Much like watching someone die from cancer, or alzheimers, it’s all of these things, all at once.

I have struggled with this relationship for years and years. My heart is breaking today. For a reason I can not explain at this time.

I’m so tired of investing myself and my heart in dead end roads of pain. And if I leave, I’m not coming back. And if I leave, I can not promise I will survive.

Needless to say I’m praying.

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