Grumpy Day

I’m struggling with the situation at work. Hours cut, having to pick up hours elsewhere to compensate my income, still isn’t enough. And luckily it’s not from my performance, and that I’m thankful for that aspect of the situation. It’s easy to work for people when they tell you how much they appreciate you. It’s due to sales. And I love my job. I just want that job with benefits and vacation.

But then, I’m grumpy because I’m tired of struggling for money. I know what to do, but the fucking car keeps sucking the money out of my bank account. And I’m stuck in this fucking Catch 22.

And I can’t afford 4 cats. That was always going to be temporary. And they make a mess of my spaces when I’m not here. I mean it’s like confetti everywhere, they keep eating paper, and kleenex’s. I still laugh it off though. Because all the cats get along and are super affectionate to me, and other people, and each other. Just tired of cleaning. And if its not paper, it’s something else! Plus, vet bills are expensive.

And I’m tired of people saying they will do things, and then not doing it.

Or backing out of promises. I just don’t need untrustworthy people, it affects my safety.

I hate business, because it’s black and white and impersonal. And I’m tried of bleeding my life for other people. I’m in the red. And I get angry when I’m in the red. And I’m frustrated with god on this one, I’ve been praying for two years now, and it’s still the same situation……I eat one square meal a day and two snacks (If I’m lucky,) I’m kind of loosing my patience with god on that one.

Some positive things that have come out of this is my awareness of where my energy goes, I want people to be happy and okay, but not at the sacrifice of my life and my energy. So I’m in a weird place of change. I’ve lost empathy for certain types of people, and interest in them, and part of that is I don’t want it from myself. Maybe that wasn’t very positive…..hmmm.

My therapist and I have been discussing my frustration with trying to set boundaries with some people, and I’m just going to have to cut them off, it’s toxic. Even if it is people that are important to people I care about. I just can’t share in the insanity. I need me. And some people will just use you, but they will find someone else to use. And that shit hurts.

grrr….okay venting over, I needed to get some of these frustrations out because it is making me grumpy today.

I’m human, I can’t be miss optimistic all the time, I just don’t have much to offer today, besides grrrr.

 

 

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