I don’t know what energy people are on right now, but the super moon has been making people so strange.
I have ran into a couple of situations in the past week that have made me uncomfortable. As well as some blast from the past I do not want to revisit ever again.
I got a speeding ticket, racing through an area that I knew somebody I am afraid of lives. The officer was sweet, but my anxiety level still doesn’t mean I need to be doing that, and I agree. He suggested to just avoid that area. So I will do that for here on out. I don’t know what it is, when finances are tight, they get tighter. I’m so mad at myself and at my PTSD, but like my therapist said, I need to be gentle with myself and take care of myself. And it turned out okay in the end.
And then I got a strange phone call. I guess she expected i would be curt and mean. But I listened to her and gave her the information she needed. I hope it helps her, if she is being real. I don’t know. I just want people to be safe. The things she had to say were similar to other stories I’ve heard about this one person. Her reaction when I tried to warn her at first, and her attack on me, well, it made me decide to consult and get feedback, and I chose to ask her to not talk to me again.
God I hope and pray she is okay if she is in danger.
I spent the night after that phone call in fear. Afraid I would wake up to someone in my room seeking wrath. I’m trying not to make mountains out of mole hills. But when it comes to my physical safety, I take it seriously more than ever now. I slept with a protection for the first time in months. It actually doesn’t make me feel better or safer. But it’s a necessity.
The thoughts of escaping kicked in, the precept of the dark thoughts that I can go towards tried to creep in. It’s fucked up to think, “If I kill myself, I won’t have to live in fear anymore.” But I prayed and took precautions to insure my safety. This helped. This is life with trauma. This is what life has done to me, and affected me, to where I don’t feel safe in my own home, and home is supposed to be my sanctuary.
The ironic thing is I started a new cognitive therapy this week, focusing on stuck points and challenging old and new belief systems. I long for the innocence and naivety I had before all this happened. But I’ve had too many bad things happen to me I must trust that there is wisdom in the lessons. Don’t trust, stay on guard, protect yourself.
And then there is my new boyfriend. Wanting to whisk me away and move to another city, and the another city and state. And I have half a mind to do it. To put all this crap and those people in the dust. But what would a geographical change hold? I tried that before and it back-fired. What if it doesn’t work out between us and I’m stuck in another city, another state without a way to get back? What if it turns south, worse than the last boyfriend, etc. etc. etc. Doubt rears it’s ugly head. In the past, when I was single, I would have jumped on it. No fears would have prevented me. But I’m older now. It has to be secure.
Doesn’t hurt to apply to other places though, he wants to go to the same grad school I have been looking at going, he passed his background check, his behavior is not abusive.
But then Trump got elected president….and honestly. I want to leave the country now. I pray for the money for me to do that, get the fuck out of this place.
But regardless my bullshit radar is up on high right now. My “do not get taken advantage of” radar is on high right now.
But the Super Moon sure was pretty.