Trapped

Who am i kidding. 

I wish i had a safe place to go where i’m loved. 

I’ve been waiting for 4 years. 

Not a temporary fix

An actual dependable long term situation. 

Its hard to keep yourself motivated. To have hope when life keeps changing the situation to never improve. I’m trapped. 

I’m so tired of being positive and hopeful, and then being blindsided by bad news. 

I got git by a drunk driver two weeks ago. Things keep happening that are bad. 

My boyfriend asked me to marry him. And then he made decisions and commitments that didnt include me. It felt like my ex fiance all over again. 

He asked me to marry him. I didnt go to france for him. Then he rejected me the first time. Then he did it again. Asked me to graduate so we could get married. And then he left me to face poverty and homelessness saying he would be there for me, and then switched. I remember seeing those text messages to his new wife. 

I feel like im trapped in this vicious cycle. 

I love you…..psych! 

I feel like this city, this state, or something wants me dead. And its NOT ME. 

I just want some hope, something to believe in. And i keep praying, and searching, and waiting. 

Things keep piling up. I keep getting pushed beyond my breaking point. And then i fall apart. And its making me physically ill from the stress. 

I keep trying to “act as if” and let the feelings follow. 

Its not happening. 

I guess i just wish i knew someone who has known me for a long time and showed me that they cared. 

I mean its been fucking bad for four years. It was one thing, and then it was another and another and another. And i would get small breaks, but i was in isolation, no phone calls, no “hey how are you doing.” Not one damn thing. And then when i interacted with people, it was an onslot of questions, analyzing me, picking at me, or just so many confusing responses and reactions. I couldnt fucking deal anymore. 

So much pressure. No where no matter what i did, everything kept changing. I needed stability. And i guess it has taken a huge toll on me. 

And i get so scared. Because im so afraid that the truth is ill never be safe. Ill never have love. Ill never know what its like to come home like i used to and just be happy with who i am and who i am with. Im afraid that ill never know what its like to be satisfied again. To be proud of myself again. To be respected for who i am. For what i went through and people to care about me. Who dont constantly say, “well that was close but still not good enough.” 

I keep dreaming for the days to come. I long for a happy future, and then i wake up and i remember where i am in life still. I got such a long way to go. And i dont know how to catch up. 

And im loosing my drive. Its a chore. Because i keep going maybe that person will appreciate me. Maybe that person will be dependable or receptive. Maybe that person wont judge me for being raped. Maybe that person will be good to me, and i can be good to them. 

And i start to believe its possible. I have hope, and then shit keeps on happening that goes “nope, try again later, better luck next time”

And i pray to god everyday, please dont let this be it, please dont let this be true, please be a loving god not a punishing god, please stop leaving me alone with this weight to deal with all on my own, please will someone anyone acknowledge and listen to me.

Please let my life get better, please be careful with me, please dont make me beg to know what love is anymore, please please please. 

The same fucking prayers for four fucking years. 

And it hurts so bad im screaming inside my head for help. For good stable for good dependable. 

And i cant deal with it any longer. Because im seeing things that make me grateful, im doing everything that im supposed to do. And then when i get overwhelmed agin by all this negative shit and im pushing through it. I try not to let it get to me. 

But i need support. I need people to care about my feelings like i care about theirs. 

And im starting to waver. Because that trauma was horrible and it has hurt me deep to my soul. But i can barely stand on my own two feet. And i hate myself for not being invinsible. For being traumatized. For not getting better fast enough for other people to become willing to accept me. 

And i am floundering through life. Berrated for not dying it seems like, like i was was supposed to. Not one person from my past i have come across have said to me, i’m glad you are not dead after the rapist tried to kill you. I’m glad you are still alive, i’m glad to see you, i missed you. I’m so glad i dont ever want to loose you.

I wish someone had said “i don’t want to loose you” and meant it. Instead of treating me like, well that person thought you were worth loosing, so its my turn to do the same thing. And i will remind you every month, in case you didnt understand that last month. 

Instead i have to put my trust in people i talk to on the phone that i dont know that are strangers. I dont see this persons face in my day to day. I dont interact with them on a day to day basis. 

And there are some people that i see day to day i am happy to see. And i love them and im so grateful in my life to have them. Because they are who they are. 

And finding predatorial people who see the vulnerability and exploit it. Causing further damage. 

Im so fucking exhausted. 

Im getting sick all the time. And im so fucking sad that this is my life. And im so sad that i can write this with all the hope in my heart i reached somebody that loves me, and reaches back. And things will be okay, they will hug me, like an angel on earth. And they wont leave. 

But i know from experience….itll mever happen. Itll never work. 

And i go back to prayer. I go back to pleading with god. 

And im stuck. Again and again. 

How do you save yourself When god isnt helping? When people arent helping? When you try to help yourself And something keeps interferring? 

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