Strange new songs on my music library i did not add. Must have been the people who stole my computer and camera.
I like the wishes and stars by harper simons though. I’m not complaining. Some songs were actually good. Creepy song though about “how i’ve been abused” by a blues artist makes me think this was personal…. and then thus hobbo bill country song, and a song by patsy kline. I dont have any country in my music. Fucking creepy weird.
I did some investigating and notified the FBI about some ip addresses and e-mail accounts. I hope it will get shit taken care of. Thats kind of old news though and in addition to new news.
I’m hoping that somebody has stopped stalking my website. I’m apprehensive to post some things now because of the harassment.
The break from it has been, revealing, at how in control they really were.
It doesnt matter if he hit me on accident. He hit me, thats the point. Its the fucking truth. And dont people understand making a false police report is not in my best interest? I didnt say anything that wasnt true. And the fact they wanted to silence me means they are afraid of the truth.
Some of these things still catch me. And i realized i am friends/acquantices with some of their friends. After i realized that, i am now guarded around those people. I dont try to say too much besides the truth.
My advisor says i need to press charges. For pain and suffering, financial abuse, etc. etc. i have a ligitimized case. I’ve fucking had one. I just dont trust the financial and mental investment. I’ve spent sonmuch time dealing with abusive people. I have not made so many things i enjoy thinking about instead. There are things i want to make, but also ideas and projects that need voice. I have a photographer lined up for my series, i have potential models-people who are not “plastic girls” who are real and experinced violence themselves to wear the objects. I still have to get the environments down and rehash fabrication. Research has turned out promising for symolism and historical referencing.
Bottom line I dont want to see that persons’ face, either of the three. And if i did i would mace first and ask questions later. But i have been sitting on it and praying about it. I’m so fucking tired of the whole thing. I just wanted my stuff back, whats so hard about giving back somebodies stuff? Its mine, it was my families property! Fucking bullshit.
But the reality is I know my truth.
They say its common to feel this way from prolonged abuse, the development of abuse and harassment over time. It does affect you. Its common for narcissitic people to replace you quickly, to make you feel like your crazy, even push you to get on pills so they can point the finger at you. The abuse of trust is cruelty beyond words.
I havent taken antidepressants in two months. And i’m feeling hella better. Starting taking supplements, my short term memory is coming back, my appetite, my concentration, i dont feel like i’m in a fog. And my dosage was so low its easy to get off of them. etc etc.
The abuse of trust, and just verbal, mental, and emotional abuse does make people want to find a way out. Bad and good ways. I fought for good ways. But my mind is still tainted, the landscape is tainted by the effects of these people, it sucked all joy out of this place that I live.
However, I’m bursting at the seems in regards to my new car and its antitheft capabilities. Super excited about it. Handsfree calling. Its so bad asssssss!
And i think i’m getting closer, albeit baby steps towards another direction. With gods help. I still want and desire to be lived. I am doing my best at getting a stronger spiritual and physical practice. I am refocusing on creating, although writing is more of a release of toxicity at times.
So this is kind of a post i write wincing. Afraid of the onslaught that could occur.
I know one of my exes is stalking my posts. He messaged me again. And I blocked/banned him. Their ip addresses and emails have been sent into law enforcment. And its been quiter. They usually start attacking in June and fuck with me on the anniversary of the rape, cause they know i’m emotionally vulnerable.
And when it comes down to it its between them and i, not anyone else, well that and the cops.
May archangel michael protect them (the police) and me. And all other protective spiritual forces. With no harm to anyone. No harm needs to be done, its simple just treat people right. Its simple. It forgoes the whole drama thing, the whole gossip thing, just treat people right.
I was so blessed to hear several people tell me over the course of a few weeks, “You are the most giving person i know Carrie, i know it feels like a curse some days, but i’m blessed to have you in my life. Give back to yourself the way you give to others.”
I’ve been told i’m an extremely patient person, i’m kind hearted, and funny, and sweet, dependable.
And then i got asked me to be a bridesmaid and i’m so sad and happy about it. For my own reasons, but the memory of a failed friendship too. I really did love her. I did.
I’m so afraid to jinx the good. So afraid it’ll get jinxed. I had five tears of hell. That should be enough for a while. God please.