On a spiritual note, i have come a small step. A big step but a small one back to myself before the trauma.
Prior to the trauma i had a regular spiritual practice. This included meditation at night prior to sleeping, clearing of the chakras, morning readings, and meetings with others, and contact with a previous spiritual advisor.
After the experieve with a previous person, i decided to go back to it, i understood i was not in as good as a place i needed to be in my recovering from rape. And i have slowly grown back to that after making the decision to return to it. The first few months have been marred with thoughts of the past, bad experiences, manipulation, etc etc. There is still a lot of work to do, but the thoughts i had, and self doubt have been shifting. Now the past is the past, but the wisdom is important. And as i integrate this into my life, again, i am less confused and more at peace as well. To the best of my ability.
We met today and covered some things that needed to be covered. I found out a lot about myself from this experience. She is not from here, and she expressed my level of intelligence, we discussed my problem with my learning disability, and my fear of trusting god, and my self growth with my trauma, because my default is no longer to want to rush into a situation when someone comes into my life with shared trauma, or their own trauma, i’m even headed again, i go into calm mode, i get into resource mode, i share what i learned, and i let that person decide on their own.
I had an intese day following up to that, specifically in regards to that, having to avoid a near run in with another previous relationship that skewed my perspective on my spiritual practice, who i had associated so many miracles with in my life when we were together, and the physical shaking that occured when i ran from the place with a friend of mine, it was interesting to say the least. If i’m shaking that bad still i am not over it. That i had to face today.
And i’m tired of hating myself for it. My heart was deep in that relationship, it just was, thats the truth, and i compare every new person to him, the him I knew before everything went south between us. And i haope and pray for a live that will blow him out of the water.
I vented about how antidepressants affect people. And the struggle i had with the effects of it, on my mind, and my heart, my identity, my reputation, my spirituality, my desire to live, etc etc. But i still have come back to what is the truth, at least as far as i can see, god is love, creation, life, that’s not always beautiful, but it’s magical, wonderous, and miraculous. Love is the higher power, the god of my understanding. God is love.
Not tough love, god is gentleness, nurturing, supportive, so many positive things.
Now mind you i still get fucking pissed when i think of how god wasnt there for me when i got raped. I get angry about how i ws abandoned into that situation by others with their “first world problems.” How these people were and are hypocrites. I get real mad. But then again, i’m just like another human being. I am, as well as they are, just as suceptible to the dangers in the world as anyone else. It’s life.
Now that does not excuse anything. It still doesn’t make it right what happened. However, it takes some of the sting out a bit, i wasn’t specially picked out to be victimized, wrll sort of, but i am not damned by god, i was damned by people, that is not god. It happened, but i can not reinvent the past.
So regardless i have come to reconciliation with my spiritual practice. I am an omnithiest. I am not really any prime religion, i just am. I am intuitve, and i have been told i am an empath for too many times i can count by others, its become kind of like, “okay god i got it! Now help me help you use it with wisdom and compassion again.” I’ve started saying my prayers again. And employing sayings and things i had gotten out of practice, but now when i use them, my mind is back to normal. It has been very comforting, because not having it for a while added in my fears.
I still struggle a lot. The dark night of the soul, that moment in your life when you are wondering why you are even alive anymore….that one that haunts you in the middle of a moment, for no reason it seems, but then you start understanding and go from awareness to acceptance to action. And that moment when you can consciously say, “nope not today.”
So the point is, i’m slowly getting back to me. Listening to things like the gregorian chant music, tibetan chant music, chakra singing bowls, yoga, etc etc. I’m getting back to me. I’m starting to feel like i felt before with new wisdom, as wise as a simple person like me can be, but its shifting. And i’m beginning, begining, to shakely trust in something more again. And i feel the painful energy leaving, and i’m feeling my feelings, i need to feel again. And my gut instinct, i actually feel the warmth in my gut at a positive feel when making decisions. And over my chest.
I remember the vaccuum feeling i felt sittin gther with L and M in my old apartment. When my protective shield had been pierced. And the feelings in my gut, the pain in my gut when people starting to tell me i should drop out of school, or that bad feeling i felt for a week that something bad was going to happen to people i loved, and went chasing out the door, and it happened later, that black shell of a thing in my hand useless. But i’m sure. Nobody gives me credit for that. I’m a monstrous banshee of a woman.
One thing i know for sure, the next guy has to believe in higher intuition from an HP, and has to be open to spirtuality. Because the second i stopped trusting it, and trusting others’ opinions and following their advice blindly, without honoring my true feelings, my life got destroyed. I acted against my intuition, i knew deep inside, and i payed the price. To thine own self be true.
Thanks god. Glad to have you back.