So I was at work today and my birthday buddy brought this to my attention, and it has made me so excited to see.
There is this man named Daniel Kish and he uses human echolocation to see with his mind. He and several more blind people utilizing this method to understand the physical realm around them by utilizing their ears to see.
This is the science behind how the brain processes the information.
Now why do I bring this up? Not because it is amazing to us who see, but because it is amazing for the wisdom he has to share.
Now take what he has said, and apply that to your circumstance. One of my heroes is Helen Keller. It always has been, I have quotes all over my sketchbooks, and I’ve been amazed by those who surpass “limiting handicaps.” I used to have magnets in my old apartment of people climbing mountains with prosthetic legs, and other challenges of perspectives, to remind me that it is possible to surpass your fears, your problems, your addictions, anything, it is possible, the path is there, we just have tohave an open mind to open ourselves to a differing perspective, the body is adaptable.
I used to think that if I was blind, or I couldn’t use my hands, my life was over. “Just take me out in the backyard and shoot me, like why step-father used to say.” At the time it was a joke. Then I faced my own fears in a way as the result of the rape, I was sitting in th backyard, without a job, with copious amounts of problems, some of my own making, a lot of them were not, and I dreamed of just sheer darkness. I longed for nothing, to not exist, to just not be anymore. I didn’t want an identity, because I didn’t know who I was anymore, I didn’t see any reason for the future, my mind was racing from one doom and gloom situation, trying to project the future and in constant crisis mode, trying to think myself out of being in danger again.
Overwhelming trauma and overwhelming pain takes over the mind. I would have glimmers of my old self where I would think of creating something, and then, I had no money, I had no resources everything was scattered to the wind, nothing was organized, I could barely do anything. And I was obsessively thinking about everything, even positive thoughts, but I kept going, “well if that doesn’t work, I’ll just kill myself, at least I tried.” And it was comforting, it was the ultimate way out of everything. I couldn’t see past my own trying to avoid another trauma, or life threatening situation, it made sense, then kill yourself, grasping for a feeling of control and power after having my power, my control taken away from me. Dealing with people rubbing my failures in my face, aggressively attacking me, attacking back, it was horror. It was sheer horror and terror.
But here is the resolution, or solution. Shift your mind.
Act yourself into right thinking is a way of calling it. And I hate to say “right” thinking, because in reality we don’t know what is perfectly right, ever. We are fallible humans, we just don’t. It’s not truthful or accurate.
Regardless I’ve been thinking a lot about fear lately. And Confusion or not understanding, creates fear, different levels of fear. I remember I just wanted shut the world out, but the harder I did, the more I heard, if that makes sense, I was about as important or meaningful as a rock, or a dead leaf, I was insignificant and unimportant at all. And with trauma, your sense are out of this world. Panic attacks do the same thing. Your body interrupts a situation or experience as a threat. Your body is overloaded, your mind overloaded, tastes, touch, sight, smells, meaning of instances are subjective to the trauma induced mind.
And I think that is what Batman made a point of in his talk. You are only as handicapped or blind if you carry it like a wound, if you treat it like a wound, it will always be a wound, if you treat it as a weakness, or unnatural, it is always going to be that way. But if you treat it as a growing pain for another path, or another perspective, then, it’s not going to be that way for you anymore. You have to let yourself go in a way, and rebuild yourself over and over again. It’s why I go the phoenix tattoo. To arise from the ashes, and my unicorn tattoo, to honor our innocence, and our childhood, and our bodies.
That last situation, I almost didn’t come back from. Like Mary when she walked through the desert after Jesus’ death, I remember viewing a statue in Rome when I back-packed back in 2006 (I am awful with dates and numbers, I have mild dysgraphia so I switch numbers, letters, things like that) It’s why I’m not the best with math, coding is one thing cause I can test things and see live results, but when I tried accounting class, I just need a slower pace, and I dropped the class.) I remember looking at that statue and thinking, “fuck I don’t ever want to wind up or feel like that.
And yet, I did, and it happened, in my way. And I reached to somebody and trusted them with my greatest fear about having children, and he spit in may face and betrayed my heart. It was like he cut me himself.
So in a way, I am handicapped, but I don’t think of myself that way, and high times of stress I can’t process things well, like memorizing phone numbers, and other things like that, or names, I depend so much on my visual understand to process things, but I have found a way to make it work for me, I understand geometry and spatial references. And when I worked in the studio, I always had to take extra time to compensate for my mathematical mistakes, I had to check and recheck things, and then I got into the habit of triple checking all measurements before I made a cut, and I bought extra material to compensate for my human error. Although I both suffered on time, and had higher stress due to my mathematical mistakes, I also was gentle with myself and worked with my learning disability/handicap. And I patented and invented a zoetrope that plays a music box…..
My point is, fitting in on paper, I don’t deal well with, I think that is limiting to potentially highly intelligent people, like Batman for example. He is not the normal, but he appears normal to our standard of norm, he provides for himself and others. He doesn’t let it hold him back. And that’s how I feel more and more about this rape, and more and more about trusting my gut instinct again. And I also feel that way more and more about being alone, and not depending on others, because the reality is, I can’t trust others to trust my instincts over theirs.
And I realize, maybe I was not supposed to be with that person, maybe on some spiritual level I needed to understand how unimportant some things are that we find important. Maybe I needed to see what I could survive, to have more faith and confidence in myself. To find the right person for me, that I’m truly meant to be with, who won’t use my trust in them and faith in them against me. Maybe I needed to see what I truly valued, there are so many ways of looking at this perspective, sometimes my mind closes off because it wasn’t fair or just, but I’m alive, and that means something right?
And I am challenging my new fears the new territories, the new things that that experience has arisen in me. It’s like the saying “I died 20 years ago, and I live each day like it’s my last.”
I died that day on July 8th 2013. I did. Apart of me that didn’t need to die did, and apart of me did, the woman in love with a liar. The woman who though she knew what love, friendship, and faith was, I faced that monster, some would say satan on earth, or evil, or darkness, I faced that monster of a human being, and I lived. And I can not be ashamed of that anymore. It doesn’t matter what came before, or how it happened, or anything else, or other people’s opinions. I died that day. Did he feel pain of the news I wonder? Or did he just chuck it up to the insanity of the time and call it self-created? And those thoughts of him and what he thinks to justify his behavior towards me, because even though he “doesn’t speak of it too much,” I know he has thought about it. There wouldn’t be so much rage towards me.
I can tell you right now, No. Not on my end in a deliberate fashion at all.
And that is not me imagining things just to change my perspective on things that’s me being just straight up honest. Feelings and the emotions I felt and the experiences, some in retrospect I understand I over reacted, but others, like physical violence.
I actually had a normal response to assault. I had a normal response to rape. I had a normal response to attempted murder. I had a normal response to gossip, threats, poverty, starvation, medical problems.
I am normal. Just like Batman is normal.