Overhaul

Apart of healing is working through the pain. When you are working towards repairing a physical wound, damage done to a muscle, you do exercises, you het adequate rest, and you feel. 

That’s how you heal. 

That’s the aame for trauma. You work the muscles, ypu give yourself rest, you treat your body with respect. 

There is also verbal aspects to it. 

I’ve. Oticed when i vent or i’m in an irritability, that means there is something missing in my healing to repair. So then i re-evaluate and look through the trauma from a different perspective, or something that occured. 

It’s all apart of growing up. It’s all apart of restoring oneself. 

Some people may read this fishing for information, some people may read this to try and find ways to destroy me. Others may read this for themselves. And others will glance and just scroll onto something more interesting. 

I have no control over what happens when i put this out there. And like sowmthing someone said to me recently. If someone is talking shit about me, then i may have done something, well, right. Or maybe not, perspective is everything. If we are only willi g to look at a situation from our own biased opinion, then we will only see what we are looking for. 

But the fact that someone feels like i’m threatening them, makes me laugh at this point. 

Anyways. I have had some resolutions about some issues that have been haunting me from more recent experiences. And i’m just that. Processing. 

But that has only come from practicing being. And the secret to being is being open to something beyond our limited perspective. 

My dreams were to leave this state and thrive. Instead i’ve been stuck here by the limitations of economy and being a round peg in a square hole. Little spaces that are empty as i sit in this hollow space. I’m ready to start pushing forward and letting go of this idea i can make it work here. Knowing full well i may not be able to make it work somewhere else. 

But i have one life, and i need to shed this pain that weighs on me, otherwise i’ll never come out of it alive. My soul matters to me and i want to live a good life, and afterlife or reincarnation, everyone has a chance to loose everything and die from it, to turn dark, everyone. But i guess i have come to an understanding i’d rather live well, as a buman on this earth, as always, and die trying. Facing my fears about william have helped me. I am regaining my strength more and more. 

And that darn ess i felt before, that was the effect of william on me, the sheer horror and pain, too much of it turns people for a bit. And now that i can acknowledge it i’m feeling much better. I understand i may not have had a choice in that situation, but i do now. 

And i’ll take living life for joy over not. This last guy i dates showed signs of the ex i’ve nick named spiderbaby. And i caught it. My therapist caught it, and instead if rolling in it, i listened to her, when my baby brother mentioned similarities after a few encounters, i listened to him too. I didn’t ignore it, i embraced the truth, and honored myself by saying, nope, not going to treat me like that get gone. 

I waffled a bit. But i did it. 

And now i’m reigning in my insecurities from the previous relationships. All of them. Going back through my first partner. I’m reviewing myself and them all. The need for affection, the need for appreciation, the way i talked and they talked. I’m doing an overhaul. Jobs i’ve worked at, even people i looked up to, all of it is being addressed. 

To move on and move forward and be aware.

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