Such the bane of anyones existence, Such stress. I am trying my hardest to practice that patience so many people have seen about me. That have come from random strangers from random experiences, and people who know me. Not gloating or ego, just being honest, this doesn’t come from trying to make myself appear better than anyone else, I wasn’t aware of this, and I am like wow, people see the good in me, even when I can’t, I feel lucky for the compliments.
Life has been very interesting of late. I got let go from a job I loved, not because of performance, but because of lack of money, again. Thus is the art world here. I had so many plans, and I may go back in two months when sales increase, if he asks me like he says he will. But the fiscal year, all of the proposals were placed on hold. I honestly don’t depend on it, just because I got bills to pay and my ass to cover.
I am still employed, albeit part-time at this time, and the music aspect is an important component of my life, a throw back to my history being on stage as a child, the hippy tambourine girl. I didn’t realize how much that job has helped me, albeit a low-end job, not very glamorous or high in status, but it has been a great job for me that I needed, despite dealing with a bunch of drunks on a regular basis, but I have made some wonderful connections, all across the country, and I am very grateful to have met a lot of these people. They are all so unique and wonderful, I love hearing everyone’s stories, even if they had experiences, or self-destructive behavior, most of them are intelligent people, and a lot of warm hearts, and I am lucky to have met them, to know them, and to call them friends.
They are real people that have helped me feel human again. I love them for that.
And the birds are chirping right now, during their 3:00 am call. And I am happy despite a financial let down. And I am optimistic, like how I am naturally about tomorrow, and the next day. I can feel that trauma slowly fade in the rear view mirror.
I have come to terms about severe heart break. I recently got asked to get married, and I broke it off, not because I didn’t appreciate him, but because it was too fast, and I wasn’t ready. I still needed to heal. My self-esteem does not need to be tied to someone else, and I was vulnerable, and plus I didn’t want to move to where he lived, not because I didn’t want to be with him, I just didn’t see myself able to handle the change. It felt reckless. And maybe I made a mistake, maybe I didn’t, I miss him and hope, we can be friends, but I took his approval too intensely, and that was a sign to me, I’m not ready.
Sometimes acting in wisdom sucks, but I knew I loved him, I just couldn’t sacrifice my life I have established here for another person yet, and he wasn’t willing to move here. And there were some personal details I couldn’t understand at the time, and I hadn’t felt comfortable with, bottom line is I need to get out of this city this state, so that is my focus this year.
I need to get out of my city. I’ve confronted so many memories good and bad of living here, and I just don’t feel right being here, not from the trauma anymore, just from the social persona, from the way of life here, it’s familiar though, and that is the one thing you need when going through trauma, I understand that now, it helps things make sense. And I’m starting to see some things that have occurred as a gift. Strange. But the horrible experience I was prepared for studying abroad, on guard about, back in the day, I actually experienced in my home town. I wasn’t prepared, it’s funny what we realize in strange epiphanies where we detach from our expectations, and see life without personal perceptions, and we view things from a detached perspective.
I have a new perspective on life, and I have been getting responses and encouragement from who I call my earth angels, and I am finding a new level on my spirituality. I do not want to be bitter and jaded for the rest of my life. I haven’t met the love of my life, and I am looking forward to meeting him someday. I have met some wonderful men, and some awful men, while dating, but I just need to let things go. These people came into my life for a reason, the good and the bad, and I thank them for helping me understand myself more.
Strange to read, and yes I vent sometimes, but honestly, I am just living life like everyone else. Sometimes you got to vent, sometimes you need to just stop stuffing your feelings, because honestly if someone cares about you, they are willing to listen and those that don’t, you don’t need them.
I am going to be the bridesmaid for one wedding this year. I got asked to two, but I can’t do the other one, I can not support a wedding based off of cheating on her part already. I just can’t. It’s un-sacred to me. And I don’t know if the wedding will happen. It’s up to the groom at this point.
And I love February, because it’s all about love, and I love Valentine’s day. I love real love.
I am a romantic gushy person at heart. I’m tired of hiding it. I just love it. I love love. But real love, I hope to find my twin flame someday, I can’t wait.