June

June is going to be a whirlwind of a month.

A lot of fast last minute planning to finish trip plans. Three major trips, one for graduate school. Trying to hit my U.S. bucket list before leaving the country for possibly good. Who knows. Life is full of suprises, but thanks to my experiences years ago, they can be good and bad, and I have realism.

I also have potential job changes.

I had the most amazing May in a long time.

Angel numbers #333 and #555 coming up a lot. Met some amazing people, and looking forward to hearing back about graduate school. Seeing spiritual signs again.

Flashbacks are turned down.

I just know I’m apprehensive to go out alone, without a safety net nearby.

And I need to confront some shame I have had about “failing,” despite being recently nominated as the 2017 Female Metalsmith for Arkansas in the country from Washington D.C.’s Woman in the Arts Museum. Due to not being able to afford to make new work I got the bad news I can’t show my work in D.C. due to time completion dates.

It was like being punched in the gut. Still an honor to be considered. And something to remind me, Yes I have talent, Yes I am skilled, Yes, what the fuck am I doing not doing it as much?!?!?!?!?!

The rape has caused an artist block. In a way, it has caused tension and fear about pursuing my dreams. It has also caused a huge problem with me pursuing and spending time in the home studio. I get apprehensive and nervous, I feel trapped inside if the doors are closed. I can’t concentrate well. It’s been a struggle for a couple of months.

Bought a kiln for $375.00 from a fellow jewelry designer whom I’ve worked for here and there as she needs for her trade shows. Amazing woman, and has the attitude I understand that most metalsmiths have. Mostly closed off from people, focused on their work and success. I was looking at purchasing a kiln before things went south and I had to focus on survival. I hope this will help push me forward.

And I have had so many suitors since I decided to stop dating lately. Funny how that works out. I am amazed. I would travel the country, leave the country and move away for someone if they would express themselves. But it has to be safe, and I would have to take baby steps.

But men can be so scared. A person who can’t express their heart and take a chance is scared, and if they are not ready they aren’t ready. I’m not going to force myself on them and demand a space for them, or me. I want someone to express they want me apart of their life. Not a passing place to change their oil so to speak. Someone I feel the same towards.

I want passion, and romance. I want spiritual and emotion. I want minds I can have a conversation with. Be a geek with, and have an imperfect body with. Sit and read books together and cuddle as we sleep.

I can tell I am different because I’ve had so many crash and burns, getting my hopes up with dating, but at this point, I need to do me. And I want someone who does them, and I do me, and we work together doing our thing together. I want to fall in love. I want a partner.

 

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