Got a text from a friend with suicidal ideation. I had to make the hard decision and make the call.
My bio-dad came to visit. And it amazes me how much money talks and replaces sencerity. Pipe dreams and awful toxic experiences. Trying to repair damage already done long over due and doing it selfishly. Its more about him. I’m not even a factor. I literally scream at the sight of him in my mind. He makes me so fucking unhappy.
At least with mom and her disease I know she means well. Makes the craziness i have to deal with tolerable.
I miss so much being able to talk to someone who gets it. Being able to have a witness to the pain it has put me through. And then to have a witness to the most recent pain i’ve been put through, now 4 years ago. And a partner to work away from the pain, make a plan and a life better. Support.
It changes the summer for me. Most people think of family vacations. Joy and relaxation.
I think of desolation, starvation, and almost dying. This week has been triggering after several weeks of wonderfulness. But it has also been a reminder of the awfulness of life.
I have also been reminded of how unimportant i am to several people. Just a passing stop on their journey, not worth staying. And this hurts me to my soul when i realized this recently. I feel actually fucking used. I’m so tired of allowing myself to be used, but also just being used.
I’m so fearful of becoming this hardened bitter person. And i would rather die to loose my wonder for the world, the magic in it, but also i’m at a crossroads that breaks my heart. Mainly because i dont know what to do. Do i leave? Will i survive? Am i willing to loose all the support and connections i’ve created?
This is not what life is supposed to be fucking about! And i’m angry and hurt. And most of all, as i cry at night to god, why must i do everything alone! Why must i be made to suffer in silence. Why do i have to walk home instead of not have someone i can call when there is a problem with my car, because somebody is too drunk to be coherent, or untrustworth, or unavailable when i need them. Only person willing to hear my cries is my own mind, and i feel trapped from some of the isolating stuff that has occured.
I had a wondeful fantastic past two weeks, and it has come to a screeching halt, yes it is an adventure, but what about home? What about that soft place to be, that human i want to have hold me and love me and resonate with just love and life and completion.
I’m so sick of life being about just fucking work and no joy to come home to.
What the fuck am i doing here? Why do I feel so off all of a sudden. Who am i?
I need that person. I need my person. I have no person.
Because i didnt want to die after all but nobody would fucking pay attention. I need to be needed. I want to be needed and mutually needed. I need him, but who is he? Where is he? Fuck this shit sometimes.
I’m not truly happy, and have not been for a really long time. And unhappiness scares me. Honestly. It scares me to death.