Ups and downs

Well. Got some news that shakes me up a bit. 

Someone shared a link with me about a warrant for someones arrest. 

Well. May the truth be discovered. None of my business anymore unless i get hurt. 

Bye felicia!

Spoke with my therapist about the long week i had. Worked god awful hours. 38 hours in two days. 

We got me back towards center. But when i saw that clock hit 11:30 last night i felt free. And i felt the time was over and had run its course of the poor mood this week has created. 

A friend is enlisting. And i fucking miss him already. Flew out today. 

I have a job interview, an adult interview working for the government next monday. Nervous and hopeful. Benefits would be tight, but if i dont get it. I’ll just continue on with my plans and see what i can get out of state. 

I had course for remembering meeting Chilato this past week. I hope he is well. Thinking of going through broken arrow on this trip through the country. 

As a present to myself I am going on a road trip for surviving my death date for suicidal ideation, 9/10/2016. I made it through 32 to 33. It was an awful birthday that day, nobody cared, i got birthday wishes on facebook, and the guy i was seeing dumped me that day. He apologized a few weeks ago. He didnt know the truth of the day. It’s importance to me. But it wasnt about him, it was about me, and it helped remind me of how shitty men are and how they only think with their dicks. 

When facing suicidal ideation from trauma I picked 9/10/2015 to kill myself if i didnt get better, if life was going to remain as awful as it was before, i picked age 32 when i was 29 in the wake of the rape. 

It hasn’t happened. 

Nor do i plan on it ever agin. And i pray to god everynight to not have a reason to again. Not looking for one. 

So on the anniversary of my rape July 8th (2013) i will be in a road trip 4 years later through the u.s. And see people i havent seen since the year prior to the rape. And new friends, and scope out living situations. 

I am going to visit the red woods, death valley, yosemite, taos, santa fe, visit my family art museum in california, and the wildlife preserve named after my family (my grandfathers side) and visit denver, salt lake city, las vegas, etc etc. Taking photos of my adventures, hiking, and camping. 

I was raped in the woods of my current town behind a church and a school, so i’m reclaiming my life in a way. And making way for a new one. 

After that it is hawaii, wales and england to check out a school, and washington state within the next year. Hawaii is christmas. 

God willing that is. 

And i’m curious about my perception of love. I thought love was about sacrificing my wants and needs for my loved ones, but now i realize, its about supporting each other together, something i have never truly known! I can’t wait to experience it someday. 

But in the mean time my job is to be safe and take reaponsibility for myself. 

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