I have had the biggest let downs over the past few weeks. Nominated for women metalsmith for the region, due to date of completion I am disqualified because of the lack of creative work I have been able to create.
Turned down for a job working for the state of Arkansas.
Working three jobs to make ends meet. Restaurant business again, dealing with fucking alcoholics every god damn day.
I am making good connections, finally being seen for who I’ve always been, but unable to take the next step towards my future. I have a lot of people not understanding the importance of the effects of trauma, and how that effects your money.
How people resume, well if you friends left, then you must have been a horrible person for them to leave, and were always crazy: wrong.
When you lost your job due to things, you must be crazy and a difficult person: wrong.
There have been so many assumptions, it makes me want to scream with misery and pain.
It’s like people want to create their own fantasies of the reality of which I experienced.
Let me ask you a rhetorical question:
Q: If a tornado destroyed your home would you be angry? Unhappy? Would you blame that person for a tornado destroying their home? Would you think it unreasonable if that person felt despair? became afraid that a tornado would tear down their house again?
Then why the fuck do you treat rape that way?
Cause the person with the house might of had tornado insurance. There is no such thing as rape insurance.
Impractical assumptions and lack of common sense. I mean fucking seriously.
I have had so many people know of my story, know I have PTSD now (which isn’t always bursts of anger), know I have gone through a trauma, and did not lift a finger to help, prevent, or assist and fucking criticize me for making an effort to apology for anger filled words I said that were not necessary.
This rape has ruined my life, for such a long time. It’s been 4 fucking years, and I’m tired of nothing getting better for me here in Arkansas. I am fucking tired of this place. I’m not happy, because I refuse to be content with this being it. I am not going to fucking live in Arkansas working at a fucking bar the rest of my life, or some other remedial job making shit money. This is bullshit!
And it’s so funny, that this past week, I cried very deeply because nobody ever figured out that I was heartbroken by all of this behavior out of people. How being so hurt by people I loved, who could give a fuck if I live or die now, or who have even stood by, and see my vulnerability and have tried to exploit it. Because “I wasn’t strong enough.” Willing to tell me “I hope for your sake you got raped.” Who secretly rejoice that I bit the dust, my life got destroyed, and I struggle now a days, when it was “school or me,” and when I chose them, they left me for dead.
And some people think I’m being “too dramatic” or “too sensitive” and “I should just let that shit go, it’s in the past.” Don’t even fucking care about me! They just don’t want to hear my reality, my feelings, and my truth that I experienced.
These people act like their effect on someone else isn’t life changing. These people act as if “it wasn’t that bad, it must be her fault because it turned out so bad for her, poor pitiful stupid thing.”
I guess some of my anger came up when I saw a family member from that family this week on the side of the road, and my first impulse was to help, and then I kept driving.
I’ve gone through enough abuse in my life, I’m sick of this shit. And then people criticize me for being angry at the abuser, “forgive them….” fuck that. As I learned with a recent experience with one of my family members, abusers will always abuse. And forgiveness is just a way for them to fuck you over again. It’s not worth it, and I’m tired of attracting these people.
It’s like they see my face, and they think she’ll never stand up for herself. And then they get angry when I do, and then call me crazy and all this psychological abuse that occurs abusing my empathy, and my care and concern for others, and trying to twist it into it being my fault. And I’m tried of it.
The only thing Arkansas has given me is violence and abuse and ignorance so far, and I’m just fucking heartbroken, and then I wonder why I felt so depressed for such a long time, and I’m sick of this shit, and I’m sick of feeling this way, and I’m sick of being harmed. I am isolated here, very few people I would call my close friends, and even if I express things, they don’t just listen, they jump in and try to fix it without thinking, constantly reacting, and I just don’t know what to do.
The other night at work when someone started talking down to me, I literally almost walked out, because I can’t stand people treating people like that, and it’s not just me being treated that way. Even when I said something to them, they cussed me out, and trying to handle it with non-=verbal communication is so hard when you are trapped with people who do not fucking understand how to communicate that way. But I know that is just life, but it’s got me on edge, partially because of my personal dealings with the rape and its anniversary coming up.
It’s like Arkansas is this black hole, and I can’t get out no matter what I try.
Women’s rights? what is that? We don talk like that “round here.
And all people are interested is just sex. Is my girlfriend sexy enough to be proud of? Is she controllable enough to have? Is she the right size. Do you lift girl? how many miles you run? Well I walk more a day than that bitch runs, but whatever. Why don’t you wear a shit ton of makeup? etc. etc. Is that in season or fashion? Does she hunt and fish? I need a “real woman” who can be a boy.
I go fucking crazy trying to date. And try revealing you were raped to a new dating partner……..nope! I don’t want anything that requires that thing I think I’m looking for, I just want someone that I can have fun with, because I need to relieve stress and I need a pit stop for the weekend.
And that is just it, our generation doesn’t know how to have relationships, it’s like the episode of Black mirror where everything is about whether you have so many popularity points. And the harder I look, the less I find real intimacy, people who aren’t looking for the next one night stand, the next drunk fuck who thinks he can hit that. Arkansas’ men are so damn disrespectful.
And the thing is I’m not really angry right now, I just need to get these thoughts out of my head of the recent observations I have experienced in the past year. I am focused on positivity, and I am focused on healing, but I think I’ve outgrown my situation, actually I did a long time ago, and it has sucked me in and tried to kill me. It’s like, where is this christian god, where is this holy “father” that actually rewards good deeds, and helps someone who is just and right, because nothing in my karma ever showed I was due to being raped and almost murdered. And my Higher Power didn’t have anything to do with me getting treated that way, that have everything to do with man, not my god’s fault, or god’s decision to put me through that, that was fucking people playing god.
Why the fuck did I waist money on college to get out of living a life like this, that didn’t even appeal to me in college, only to live it now. Because that’s it? Well as usual I was right and my ex was wrong. I knew this would happen if I trusted him to be the man.
And on top of that, with surviving rape, there is the wall you build, your inability to trust. And honestly I think the betrayal of love has scarred me much deeper than the rape did, that just helped him even more, honestly. Nobody worth their character is willing to fix what they broke, they just give it to someone else in the hopes they don’t get the credit for the damage they’ve done.
I’ve learned a lot of lessons, I’ve learned so many lessons about life in the past few years, and not a lot of them have settled well with myself soul. They have actually made life harder to live. And I want a different perspective so much more, thus is why I’m releasing this out into the world, into the universe, into the abyss. Because people feel bad sometimes, and I’d be lying to you, if I didn’t reveal some of my truth. And part of it is I understand I am also exposing myself to people who may dare to try to harm me for it.
And I’m grateful to be alive, and I’m grateful to have made as much progress as I have made. I am grateful to know I have literally gone from rags to stable in a semi-short time, it has been worth it. I may not have reacted to some of my experiences with the grace as I would have liked to have, and there may be thing yet I may experience, but I have the wisdom and knowing of self of what I will accept from myself for the future. Because violence does not end with violence. Violence propagates violence. And violence freaks me out straight up.
I have things planned, and as I plan some trips, what I really wish is the ability to have a new life somewhere else, knowing full well it’ll take just as much as I’ve had here, it could turn worse, and I don’t have the luxury of a partner to go with me, support each other emotionally, to get through the tough days where the days seem bleakest, I have not been blessed with that, and I am so heartbroken I haven’t yet. I am so heartbroken I have never experienced that in my life, I’ve given it (although someone won’t ever give me credit for that and never will, and when it was their turn they bounced) but I have never experienced it. I pray for it, I pray for a lot of things, but I don’t seem to have that miracle yet.
And I keep praying, and waiting, but right now, I’m struggling with my HP a bit. It’ll pass. It’s hard to rebuild faith and trust in god after abuse. Truly is.
But in the interim, after getting this out I know with full clarity, I’m damned if I do speak my mind, and I’m damned if I don’t. And there is a blessing in being dissatisfied. Just makes you do what you got to do to make changes.