Haven’t written in a while

I haven’t written in almost a year. Part of that is because my mother is an abusive alcoholic. Part of that is from having to just live life. Part of that was victim blaming and shaming.

I have had a thorn, a deep chasm in my chest, of emotional pain. I have been struggling with it for over 6 years. I have not known what it feels like to be loved in several years.

People don’t care about rape. And that is the power of anger and fear in its workings. The power is so strong it has made me almost kill myself 5 times.

I struggle with the social shaming that accompanies with being raped, having my whole career and life destroyed by it. Being unimportant to so many people.

Not being treated with respect, as a human being. The pain and suffering I have experienced have been horrible and awful. Even moments of strength offering forgiveness to those who deeply hurt me emotionally and verbally only to be matched with anger and hatred and further gossip after the fact. But that is what a narcissit or just an outright abuser does.

But I survived a near death experience, some may even say I was seeking that experience, even though it was fully against my will. I went down screaming and kicking, even came out of it screaming and kicking by the people who forced me into it, took everything away from me I held dear. It is a traumatic experience. Some have probably even made up fictional stories about what happened in their heads. Even blamed me and think me an accomplice. I know how people think and act and react. Jumping to conclusions rather than seeking to understand. It saddens my heart and weighs on my soul. How so much could be fixed by simply coming to a situation calmly without judgement, and open sharing.

But did they get raped? So how could they understand what it feels like? So how could they understand my reactions even? In concept maybe but not the other little details that I am so cursed to remember that they will never fully understand.

Such a shame.

I am ready for it to be the past and to move forward. Even if they decide to hate me. I can’t control the way other people feel towards me. That’s up to them. And I hope and pray that someday the light of forgiveness will heal their heart. For them to see why it was so hard. I can’t change the past but only learn from it, and I deserve loving relationships and loving people in my life. I do.

 

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