Haven’t written in a while

I haven’t written in almost a year. Part of that is because my mother is an abusive alcoholic. Part of that is from having to just live life. Part of that was victim blaming and shaming.

I have had a thorn, a deep chasm in my chest, of emotional pain. I have been struggling with it for over 6 years. I have not known what it feels like to be loved in several years.

People don’t care about rape. And that is the power of anger and fear in its workings. The power is so strong it has made me almost kill myself 5 times.

I struggle with the social shaming that accompanies with being raped, having my whole career and life destroyed by it. Being unimportant to so many people.

Not being treated with respect, as a human being. The pain and suffering I have experienced have been horrible and awful. Even moments of strength offering forgiveness to those who deeply hurt me emotionally and verbally only to be matched with anger and hatred and further gossip after the fact. But that is what a narcissit or just an outright abuser does.

But I survived a near death experience, some may even say I was seeking that experience, even though it was fully against my will. I went down screaming and kicking, even came out of it screaming and kicking by the people who forced me into it, took everything away from me I held dear. It is a traumatic experience. Some have probably even made up fictional stories about what happened in their heads. Even blamed me and think me an accomplice. I know how people think and act and react. Jumping to conclusions rather than seeking to understand. It saddens my heart and weighs on my soul. How so much could be fixed by simply coming to a situation calmly without judgement, and open sharing.

But did they get raped? So how could they understand what it feels like? So how could they understand my reactions even? In concept maybe but not the other little details that I am so cursed to remember that they will never fully understand.

Such a shame.

I am ready for it to be the past and to move forward. Even if they decide to hate me. I can’t control the way other people feel towards me. That’s up to them. And I hope and pray that someday the light of forgiveness will heal their heart. For them to see why it was so hard. I can’t change the past but only learn from it, and I deserve loving relationships and loving people in my life. I do.



The bus station

Little Rock Bus Station

This place. The Little Rock bus station. This was where I was dropped off after the man raped me. Years later I have not been able to ride the bus since.

He had his “friends” or “coworkers” (fellow criminals) stalk me on the bus when my car was broken down. It was so easily done it was terrifying. People don’t understand the terror of being stalked by criminals unless they have been through it.

I tried to loose one of my tags, called the police to inform them, tried to get to safety, but no one would listen, and just treated me like I was crazy.

Of course that is also the easiest thing to do.

When he left

I wish you would say

Don’t kill yourself

Come back

Breathe live

Don’t die

I wish you would say that

And hold me in your arms

And all the thoughts

All the feelings dissipate

And that is enough

I wish you would say

Don’t kill yourself

I’m sorry

I was wrong

To not love your heart

For being mistaken

For believing the lie

That you wanted me to die

I wish you would say

Don’t kill yourself

I miss you more than the stars

I want your smile

I want you

Hornets Nests



A Gas Particle

We are what We are

Everything is connected

I will not be

just one person

not this me

an action of contrition

I believe

somebody & somebody else

vibrate love

we are all just pawns

between light

& black holes

& everything in between

Atoms electrons & energy

each has their own


& I’m tired

of attracting

your decay.

It is time to

drive the devil out.

Hand to my forehead

“You are healed sister mary & jospeh

feel the power of god

you are saved!”


Snake Bites!

what the fuck?!

still flowing

still going

you have got

to be

kidding me!


above my head

eyebrow raised

stoic face

“Save me Jesus!”



me too

I hear you

just a different vibration a different

direction from















Stuck in this body


give it time

be patient

where is my destination


your going to hell


fuck my life

shak’n my head

you want some chicken?

I’m ending this


on my soul.

body language

never read




work or please you

I’m done.

emotional vertigo

save my life!

such a huge argument

dropping the bomb

atomic warfare

like a tornado

picking up

dorothy’s house

keeps pulling



gettign the weed

double speak

double meanings


what does she mean?





“who has the key to the code?”





my lover

tore my heart

my mind

my life



“you got options.”

“So do we!”

my fear thinks



slight of hand


I know I write that phone number down

I don’t know who’s it is.



So many places

so many faces

“Get some!”

slight of hand

pull the petals

he loves me

he loves me not.

reading people’s minds

their reactions.

Am I right?

or am I wrong?


“Die Bitch Die!”


until she gets it this time………hehehehe evil grins

Cheshire cats of mice and men

Welcome to Hotel California

Welcome to HELL on earth.

for women like you.

So many faces

so many places

whirlwind tornadoes

back again

who are you

where are you

just love me again just love me again wish make a wish this is my foundation stop pulling me apart

“there is no home.”

“Can I come home now?!”

“Not for you not anymore.”

Dementia nope just crying out loud I am just crying out loud from the pain!

“for crying out loud!”

“I hate you!”


another rock star

another dark star

“he left you

he hit you

hurt you.” LEAVE ME ALONE!

he doesn’t love you.”

We hurt you out of love.”


gnats flies



same fucking god damn name.






Cause that’s your name now.










Fuck off Southern Comfort Snakes

As we live and breathe and die.

I lay here sitting trying not to cry

feelings rendered in life’s path

trying no to unleash

the rage in me

breathing, reading, crying,

talk to jesus girl

read scripture

just to tease US tease you.

Did you know?

not every suicidal person

has a homicidal vendetta

against women, children, & men.

confusing my mind heart & soul.

as I trust other people’s opinions, or scams, or fake-outs.

getting prank calls & actors acting & actions

as if the world is my stage

fuck this bullshit!

unrealistic resentments


I am not a book

I am not an object

I am not Alice in wonderland

I am not Carrie the Movie

or Betty Crocker (an ad)

i’m just me, not a whore.

i’m just me, miss nevermore

never gonna win

never gonna recover

from gossip, domination, & arrogant (motherfuckers)

and while people give compassion

to everyone else but me

I get the silent treatment

because one guy hurt me real bad in my heart

and then came another and another and another and another and another

men using their dicks like guns

and my sexual body like a slave

go find a match girl

meet him on tinder, we got plenty of apps for that

meaningless sex & heartbreak

everyone clink their glasses

Happy New Year she’s just a fine piece of asses (ashes) making a fool of herself looking for love

don’t talk about suicide, don’t talk about how you were raped, don’t talk, don’t talk, laugh and have fun.

i almost used a gun on myself

a knife

almost jumped off a bridge into the interstate

after that man did what he did

they said “looking for a death wish”

well, you didn’t hear my prayers in my head assholes!

that’s not a wish i wish on any star

it’s a wish to be loved, to be cherished, to be appreciated, for my undying love for love.

hopeless romantic?

so what!

that is god or goddess or whatever you call in somebody. If thats narcissism.

actually it is pretty fucking normal.

well you should catch that bug in this web of life.

i’m looking for a man, a good man, to be in love with, as a woman, i need a good man. i’m not getting love from a being that isn’t next to me that i can touch, embrace, feel. god is an idea about good and evil. and if god is about good, i pick good, it is my internal clock now everytime.

but the blood and guts man, i can’t do it, i see the evil of men and women in those pictures of jesus crucified. i know the world is about life and death.

and god wouldn’t want me to be crucified for that man over there. or anyone for that matter.

not the real benevolent god that rules the earth that brings spring and nature. same god, every religion, positive energy.

my goddess inside me is mother nature nurture female virgo

sometimes too much, sometimes to little.

but who cares!

nobody fucking cared.

watch the devil men god, watch them, and take them out.

i do not bless them cursing me.

Love speaking here-me-my voice-my mind-my soul

The Bible is really unhealthy to read by yourself. So is a lot of what has been going on. Draw the circle? Dudes. This is why I couldn’t read the Bible. I need positive help. Same with Al-Anon and as, it’s all black and white. Heaven/hell. Sin/innocence.

I have prayed for gods forgiveness, so much. I am a sinner, but what type of sinner? I drank, I had sex, I was tempted by evil and they did what evil doers do in the name of heaven or the name of evil. That is taking the lords name in vain. That is taking peoples lives and destroying them. Me as well, but nothing I did was deliberate, I realized I was so desperate to be loved, I abstain, but I still need gods love, and forgiveness from being terrified from crime victimization. I was innocent as a child, I was innocent when I was raped in 2013. and I view the world from optimism, because that is a true child/woman/man of god and that gets me hurt, I view the world from love, and that gets me hurt, I give, and then I see people take wrong actions, act abusive or do the wrong thing, and I can’t act like I’m okay with it, get convinced to do it to myself. That’s not godly, but there is a separation between church and state. And you think i’m the evil satanic force or possibly a sociopath Does this make sense? I have no ill intentions and I don’t need excuses or reasons to be cruel to be kind. Be kind. That’s understanding me, as much as you don’t want to believe it. You are asking the wrong person. I may die a martyr, but at least I did the right thing by telling the truth about my child abuse, the rape, just abuse in general and that it’s not our (other survivors who have been abused) faults who don’t have the same disease as them in reference to sexuality. Please stop making it hArder for me to recover. This is my life. And I’m just going to speak from my heart, mind body, and soul. Instead of what other people have been trying to do to me.

With love,carrie Carolyn anne crocker moon Flower. I am love, I am myself, I am self-love not self-obsession. It’s my life and I deserve to live life without fear.

I was almost taken into human trafficking, and I do not want to go through it again, I want peace and love and certainty, I am a hopeless romantic, I love compassion, nurturing, being good to people, But I have flashbacks when triggered by similar experiences. Stop messing with my car, stop messing with my life, step messing with me, this isn’t a game, this is life, reality, and I can’t file for bankruptcy again. and I need support from my community to be there for me, not against me. I have dreams, and I need to make wise decisions about my finances and have a future! Because I deserve it. God forgive them for the evil that they have done, and help them where they need to be, but I am not the enemy, All I do and all I ever try to do, is be a friend and a good person. I want my life back on my side. The side of that’s wrong, unlawful, immoral, etc. etc. I’m a little bit christian, a little bit buddhist, I am philosophical, I am too old to have to explain this, I’m 35 and I can’t even use my degrees I spent so many years trying to overcome blaming me, victimizing me, and hurting me because some people think I’m somebody I’m not.

The medications I was on, everything, fucked me up in the head. so did the trauma, but I can not and I will not stand by without help to actually help me who don’t have my back. And I need those people to reveal themselves to me. Cause this is a very serious situation. I have had my life on the line for far too long.


This is my wish, my prayer and my desire for myself. Let me live a good life.