Restaurant work

I look at life, see things and peoples lives on television, and I just think how trivial life is when I am unfulfilled.

I’m not happy. Haven’t been for quite sometime living with my narcissist psycho mother post rape.

It’s strange how this second rape that occurred was through dating violence. How unimportant this man is, how little it matters. How easy to have a hard life. That is something else that has been depressing to me to no end.

I want to get married. I want to meet him so bad my body aches with need. Unrealistic

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Men Can Love Rape Survivors

Really, it’s not like a bad thing.

A lot of men I have dated are cowards and think this makes me fall under these categories:

  1. She is crazy and hates men.
  2. She did something wrong to deserve getting raped.
  3. She is too much “drama.”
  4. She is too masculine and a femin-nazi
  5. It’s too much for him to handle and he can’t deal (lack of courage and understanding)
  6. She is looking for a care-taker.
  7. I can hit her then and sexually assault her, she’s used to it (last guy)

Crazy Libras and Air Signs

I have spent a lot of time around Air signs and I am just flabbergasted by them. They drive me nuts. Libras are the worst. They preach about balance and are so focused on their idealistic perceptions, they don’t even have a center in reality at times. I find most Libras selfish.

My family drives me nuts. My mother is an alcoholic bordering dementia.

My brother is about to move my father who abused her, and me as a kid to Arkansas. My fucking worst nightmare when I was younger. However, we have come to some terms. And set some boundaries. He knows I will not take his irrational anger, and he can go fuck himself when that comes about. Mom is more difficult. Ever since my step-father died, and I got raped, and destroyed by people I trusted she has just gone,  well, nuts!

She is bonkers, she lies through her teeth, makes up stories and fantasies while watching tv and drinking like a fish. But the truth is, she falls a lot, and she refuses medical treatment. If she were my child or in my custody things would be much different, but now, I have to understand she is a contributor to how I got raped, as much as a lot of people.

I will never take the blame for getting raped, the first, second, or third time. The problem is I’m a lot of talk, but I try to push people to not react in rage and anger, but once she sprained my finger, and hit me, I pretty much am done with her, and anyone who raises their hands to me. I will be nice, but people confuse my kindness as weakness.

So as these air signs try to push this virgo sign around like a tornado, I will not budge. I’m stubborn about being shown respect and kindness. Like Jesus Christ and buddha and all the greats said, we ar here to share each others burdens, however in no place in all the wise teachings or bible, will I ever believe violence is apart of life, and should be accepted as just “it is what it is.” Fuck that shit, and fuck all the people who think death and pain and violence is romantic. I’ve noticed the Libras in my life are creepy and have a knack for stalking as well. As well as gas-lighting and manipulation. I am sick of their selfishness and self-absordness.

I pretty much am tired of people without soul. So tired of people without soul, who beat people up, who have beaten me up and Calle dit love or “tough love” it’s psycho shit is what it really is, and the rest is an excuse to make themselves feel better and justified.

Integrity gets lost when libra air signs blow smoke up your ass.

Recently got raped through my friends

Got hooked up with a guy with my friends who is apparently a rapist! So much for checking people out and having people voice for them.

Lost my job. Having to start over again.

Almost killed myself again.

Now I’m working for the company my ex-fiancé worked for.

I hate this fucking city.

My mother is psycho. Apparently may have dementia onset from wet brain. I hate this fucking town so much.

Expression of recent anger-not happy

YOU ARE A REALLY FUCKED UP ALCOHOLIC! THAT WAS FUCKING DISGUSTING WHAT YOU FUCKING DID TO ME YOU EGOMANIAC PSYCHOPATHS!

“YOU know him very carefully?” No wonder I backed into that car?! You guys and gals thought I was lying. ]

I recently went through dating violence again in 2017. So this is a complete disorganized mess again.

What its like living with flashbacks and having your PTSD re-triggered by getting raped again by constant inquisitiveness into my close personal information of surviving attempted human trafficking, and attempted murder, along with getting raped up the ass violently trying to escape the psycho mother fucker. This Has not been fun or funny for me. Stop raping me: mind, body and soul (and financially). I literally flinch physically. And when someone starts coming at me aggressively, I get mad and scared (this is normal, did you know that, that’s what  fear tactics create) at being bullied, harassed, and abused and misused and having my trust violated this way. I’ve lost my job again, thanks to curiosity of complete strangers and sexual harassment after returning and being of service as a christian, trying to give hope and help in another country and returning to America. Do you know how there are people in America who go through this too, and it’s not our fault either?

Your anti-depressants caused that creation. Medical mistreatment! Of a healthy person who cries.

This has really fucking hurt my feelings (and I cry about it) regularly, almost every day, sometimes 4-5 times a day. Thanks. And I may be a christian, but I still fucking cuss at assholes! I’m not you’re fucking toy or slave to abuse and crucify because somebody fucked up and try to say I was a god damn prostitute! COCKSUCKERS! He stole my last $400 dollars,  he is a third level sex offender. HE CUT ME WITH AN OUTBACK STEAK KNIFE-I remember, I’ve used one before eating at Outback when life was more normal and happy.

I get mental images and flashes of imagery of previous experiences flash in my head. I flinch.

And you know what else? I got raped again upon my return from Africa by a guy who was just waiting for the opportunity to use that experience against me. Because that is what abusive men do who hate women! So what did I do? I TOLD THE COPS AND REPORTED IT LIKE YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO DO! That’s what you do.

Now, I need to get employed thank you for fucking with my life AGAIN! (NOT!) I’m A FUCKING WOMAN ASSHOLES SHOW SOME REPECT!

I don’t love criminals, I FUCKING HATE THEM! Channel your anger into a healthy form, I keep trying to do that, and people keep trying to deny that I know how to show care and concern. I actually love people, but my loving heart/voice keeps getting lost in the tone.