Freedom trip continued

I was unable to describe my days during the rest of my trip due to cellphone coverage by my provider.

Regardless I have started a new job tutoring kids during the week and administrative items. Super excited. This position will allow me to transfer within companies to different states.

And then there is the mission trip to Kenya. To begin my test run on teaching abroad.

I may or may not keep my other job depending on if it works out.

But i am so relieved to finally begin my steps towards a better future.

The worst mistake i ever made was to allow a man become my Higher power so to speak. And to allow him to convince me that he was capable of supporting. He doesn't even realize his behavior changed my life behavior and was a source of my pani. Attacks, "but what does it matter i didn't love her." Blah blah blah. Justifying bad behavior is so self-absorbed. I'm still processing how i was brain washed into my situation.

Fake love is the worst kind of love, and i am not going to allow someone masquerading as a genuine person to sideways me. I've been tested a lot recently, and I focus on showing integrity, and it comes from deep inside, which validates my instincts and intuition.

I deserve a life of live and joy and someone who will walk with me.

6 months antidepressant free

It is official, I have been off antidepressants for 6 months.

It is AMAZING!

Well, that and not a whole lot of bad things are happening, but even the bad things, there is a different clarity, an old school clarity, my brain functioning like before, I have experienced since this new freedom from Zoloft.

Now I am not a medical professional, and most of my comments have come from processing the information of licensed professionals. However these have been the benefits since I am Zoloft free:

  1. No more feeling numb and not connected to myself.
  2. No more indigestion brought on by the medications.
  3. No more paranoia, obsessive worrying thoughts and panic are controllable.
  4. Better emotional understanding with other individuals and people.
  5. Still working on being less vulnerable to abusive types and setting boundaries.
  6. Intuition and inner voice has improved.
  7. Recognizing my thoughts are focused on positivity and not so fear based.
  8. Fear is not all encompassing anymore.
  9. I can cry again, actually really feel it, instead of it sitting behind my eyes.
  10. Suppressed feelings are processing, where as, numbing was necessary to create a safer distance between me and the trauma time line.
  11. I see god working in my life again, and my little themes of the days are back. What this means is that there will be a theme for the day, like seeing the color red all day, red balloons, red flowers, etc. etc. or motorcycle themes, or uhaul.
  12. My feelings of premonition are back, this is more related to instincts and understanding the full relation of my surroundings, and people. Not to be confused with psychic.
  13. I can feel people better, empathic abilities are improving.
  14. Self-esteem is improved, healthy risk taking has come back, vs unhealthy risk taking.
  15. Desperation is gone.
  16. Codependncy is improving, but that is because of regaining emotional and social support.
  17. Not so needy or compulsive, more inner strength, but that helps when you just focus on positive things and philosophies like Law of Attraction, Wabi Sabi, and information and resources.
  18. I have also began to be able to process self-defense again, verbal, learning more about physical, and know how to enact it when necessary (not eager to test this, I fucking hate violence).
  19. Fatigue is not as bad, I get fatigued easily regardless, with this auto-immune system there is not much I can do about that.
  20. Memory and motivation has improved.
  21. Not willing to ignore gut instincts.

Now this has been from some hard-work, and now thanks to lack of distractions from aggressors. And also changing some self-defeating beliefs that were created by the trauma. Like there is nothing I can do to protect myself from violent people. That is no longer true, I have a new found patience that I am so happy to have.

So I started a new job today and I am super excited, and looking forward to new things to meet my life goals. I am so grateful and looking to learn and grow, and help others learn and grow. Very close to my heart.

The thing is now, I am far pickier about people now, who I am willing to deal with and who I am not. It’s not personal, but If you show red flags, the problem isn’t me, it’s time to look at yourself. Drug addicts, even recovering addicts, or people with anger management problems, are not on my radar for a warm smile or close interaction.

Especially if you have a criminal record. You are in god’s hands, I can’t help you, you have to suffer the consequences of your behavior for you to learn, as I have dealing with these types of people. They are just not safe. Not meaning that they are not deserving of love, I just have love to give to those who are trying, and working, and proving with action rather than words. That I can handle, but if not, I can only wish you the best and hope you find help.

 

Life is short, and I have another chance at it, and I’m going to take it. Anyone in my way will be addressed within reason, as needed to the specific situation.

I’m still dealing with some shame and guilt about some things, of course, but mainly behaviors that were exhibited during the time of treatment. With PTSD there is anger issues, as to be expected, unfortunately, and that is my least favorite emotion, growing up for a thankfully short time in an abusive environment, it makes sense, the primal instincts and desires, but not necessarily reasonable. And that is something that caused me to get help, because I didn’t like how I was behaving. Thank god that is over, but I will always have to deal with it if it arises again. I noticed some of my triggers for it, and I am working on how to handle those triggers, I slipped a few months ago, allowing a drug addict to get under my skin playing games. Ironically their zodiac was similar to some other people, so now I know what that was about for myself.

However, the thing is that sometimes the problem isn’t you, even if people want to blame you, the problem is not you after all. Because these people can’t tell you who you are, you can, cause you are the only person who knows themselves enough. And If I had deeper mental health problems, I’d address them, because I care about myself and others. Regardless if they care about me, this is why I will keep a distance from certain people, due to protecting myself, also in turn, protects them. Some people just won’t ever get along. Such is life and living it.

I’ve been asked to submit to the Mighty mental health forum as a volunteer contributing writer. Now just how to get paid to write and travel. Now that would be a dream. I’m completing one dream and going to go to Kenya next month, working on lesson plans right now.  I know I will not want to leave once I get there. Also a little nervous because I don’t know too much Swahili, but what better place to learn, than in the midst of the people.

 

 

Roadside assistance from an HP

Thank you sir with heritage baptist church who came to my rescue today. I know how to change a tire, but i have a bum leg because of a poison oak infection.

The assistance people i called through my insurance company, who were too late, were with jack rabbit road side assistance. And I had a trigger thinking of the dudes tattoo who "aided me" and then raped me, which is how i met William Burke Martin when he raped me, while sitting there waiting in a parking driveway to a parking lot. His white rabbit tattoo on the left forearm. It's not jack rabbit's fault that he had that tattoo and the man today was too late to help.

Thank you sir for being an inspiration to my healing process too and being one of gods people who showed me that there are good people on the earth despite the bad.

Day three to four

We areived in Kamas Utah after leaving denver to visit another friend, ben i met randomly in Eureka springs arkansas. 

We chilled the first noght and planned the hike the for the next day: wall lake, mirror lake, provo river falls in the Uintas Mountain range. 

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See the beauty. I brought my step dad’s ashes with me and i spread them at wall lake. The most beautiful things i saw was a field of wild flowers nestled in aspen ande vergreen  trees. Hoards of sheep. So neat. 

We went to his friend kate’s wonderful shop artique and a photography exhibit. That is where we met Larry, a local tv presence and hung out. We then went to a local bar and had a campfire. 

We will drive through nevada and stay at lake tahoe tonight. 

Denver to utah

Day two of the trip. 

I feel pure euphoria and wholeness i have not felt in a very long time. 

Spoke with sarah about her life and the changes her life has had. 

HAvng a blast seeing little signs along the way that have helped me know and feel i am on the right path. 

I man we met at the gas station asked us how we were and commented on how today was a good day to be alive. “Little angels” or people like that on your path are signs to me. 

The mountains are beyond amazing dappled with evergreena and aspens. Bleached rocks among red iron soil. I feel so grounded and yet my body is soaring. It feels like how i felt every day in my life prior to the trauma. A joy to just be alive and a beart willing and able to love. 

I needed this trip. And i know as i see these wooden delapitated sticks once called homes nestled in the mountains, that even that there is beauty in a destroyed home if you see the whole picture, feel time, and even the purpose of destruction, to lend the soil and the space to new growth or to move on from that which was meant for a time, but not forever. 

Day 1-freedom trip

Tright i know,  the title of my trip, first road trip i’ve gone on since 2011. Driving to denver to see my friend who i met in north carolina. 

First road trip since being raped. Unless you count the two year long road trip i lived when i escaped and ran away to texas after being raped in arkansas. Few months in different cities in texas. Not really escaping much, until i had to make roots back home again, knuckle down, and deal with the chaos’ effect on my life. 

But i’m alive!

And that is what this trip is about. 

Angel cards

Emotions are a fascinating thing. I spend a lot of my time connectig with god spiritually, with the angels and forces that be. If it is not resonating with love and nurturing, i recenter and check my motives my feelings and my heart. 

If it is not something that helps me love me or love others with maturity, i can tell where my perception is based off of how i’m feeling. 

Since i made the decision to stop taking anti-depressants and honor my feelings instead of numbing them i have had so many awakenings. It has inblocked something in my mind, being able to speak honorably and move forward. Ankther thing that has helped has been wabi sabi, the philosohpy of the perfection of imperfection. 

I do not miss being with someone who boisted about there being no god, or unable to prove there is a god. To me that was his ego. I don’t know right now my biggest thing is the decision to go on this trip. And making new memories for the ones that have scarred my mind and heart. I pray for apiritual healing every night. 

And somethingg amazing had happened. I am no different than who i was in the past. I am myself again, and although i dont feel like it sometimes, that means i’m allowing people to control me and not god. So i have scanned theough my recent relationships and discovered, i deserve more, i deserve love, and that is all i’m open to, any person that wants to prevent me from me fromloving  myself or prevent me from loving life is kot welcome in my personal space anymore. I have a right to protect myself for myself. Because there are things i want and need to do for me. 

My life changed when i went from focusing on loving myself to pleasing everyone else telling me how i needed to love myself, who were not a spiritual connection. Who said i needed to change their way, and it broke me. 

I promise myself to never let anyone steer me from my soul and god ever again. Even me.