The bus station

Little Rock Bus Station

This place. The Little Rock bus station. This was where I was dropped off after the man raped me. Years later I have not been able to ride the bus since.

He had his “friends” or “coworkers” (fellow criminals) stalk me on the bus when my car was broken down. It was so easily done it was terrifying. People don’t understand the terror of being stalked by criminals unless they have been through it.

I tried to loose one of my tags, called the police to inform them, tried to get to safety, but no one would listen, and just treated me like I was crazy.

Of course that is also the easiest thing to do.

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When he left

I wish you would say

Don’t kill yourself

Come back

Breathe live

Don’t die

I wish you would say that

And hold me in your arms

And all the thoughts

All the feelings dissipate

And that is enough

I wish you would say

Don’t kill yourself

I’m sorry

I was wrong

To not love your heart

For being mistaken

For believing the lie

That you wanted me to die

I wish you would say

Don’t kill yourself

I miss you more than the stars

I want your smile

I want you

Hornets Nests

Maybe

Aster

A Gas Particle

We are what We are

Everything is connected

I will not be

just one person

not this me

an action of contrition

I believe

somebody & somebody else

vibrate love

we are all just pawns

between light

& black holes

& everything in between

Atoms electrons & energy

each has their own

taste

& I’m tired

of attracting

your decay.

It is time to

drive the devil out.

Hand to my forehead

“You are healed sister mary & jospeh

feel the power of god

you are saved!”

Seriously?

Snake Bites!

what the fuck?!

still flowing

still going

you have got

to be

kidding me!

bubbles

above my head

eyebrow raised

stoic face

“Save me Jesus!”

 

 

me too

I hear you

just a different vibration a different

direction from

                    where

           your

going

left

right

up

 

 

 

 

 

 

down

 

Stuck in this body

trapped

give it time

be patient

where is my destination

“sacriliage

your going to hell

Heritic!”

fuck my life

shak’n my head

you want some chicken?

I’m ending this

conversation

on my soul.

body language

never read

nothing

wil

ever

work or please you

I’m done.

emotional vertigo

save my life!

such a huge argument

dropping the bomb

atomic warfare

like a tornado

picking up

dorothy’s house

keeps pulling

pulling

pulling

gettign the weed

double speak

double meanings

gardening?

what does she mean?

encrypted

like

the

 

“who has the key to the code?”

him

“Him

Who?”

 

my lover

tore my heart

my mind

my life

apart!

 

“you got options.”

“So do we!”

my fear thinks

speaks

reacts

slight of hand

“TAKE HER DOWN!”

I know I write that phone number down

I don’t know who’s it is.

AGAIN!

 

So many places

so many faces

“Get some!”

slight of hand

pull the petals

he loves me

he loves me not.

reading people’s minds

their reactions.

Am I right?

or am I wrong?

Suicide!

“Die Bitch Die!”

“RAPE HER AGAIN!”

until she gets it this time………hehehehe evil grins

Cheshire cats of mice and men

Welcome to Hotel California

Welcome to HELL on earth.

for women like you.

So many faces

so many places

whirlwind tornadoes

back again

who are you

where are you

just love me again just love me again wish make a wish this is my foundation stop pulling me apart

“there is no home.”

“Can I come home now?!”

“Not for you not anymore.”

Dementia nope just crying out loud I am just crying out loud from the pain!

“for crying out loud!”

“I hate you!”

everywhere

another rock star

another dark star

“he left you

he hit you

hurt you.” LEAVE ME ALONE!

he doesn’t love you.”

We hurt you out of love.”

 

gnats flies

buzzlebub

bezzelebub

same fucking god damn name.

 

goodbye

Dead

Fucking

Dame

Cause that’s your name now.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Fuck off Southern Comfort Snakes

As we live and breathe and die.

I lay here sitting trying not to cry

feelings rendered in life’s path

trying no to unleash

the rage in me

breathing, reading, crying,

talk to jesus girl

read scripture

just to tease US tease you.

Did you know?

not every suicidal person

has a homicidal vendetta

against women, children, & men.

confusing my mind heart & soul.

as I trust other people’s opinions, or scams, or fake-outs.

getting prank calls & actors acting & actions

as if the world is my stage

fuck this bullshit!

unrealistic resentments

lifeless

I am not a book

I am not an object

I am not Alice in wonderland

I am not Carrie the Movie

or Betty Crocker (an ad)

i’m just me, not a whore.

i’m just me, miss nevermore

never gonna win

never gonna recover

from gossip, domination, & arrogant (motherfuckers)

and while people give compassion

to everyone else but me

I get the silent treatment

because one guy hurt me real bad in my heart

and then came another and another and another and another and another

men using their dicks like guns

and my sexual body like a slave

go find a match girl

meet him on tinder, we got plenty of apps for that

meaningless sex & heartbreak

everyone clink their glasses

Happy New Year she’s just a fine piece of asses (ashes) making a fool of herself looking for love

don’t talk about suicide, don’t talk about how you were raped, don’t talk, don’t talk, laugh and have fun.

i almost used a gun on myself

a knife

almost jumped off a bridge into the interstate

after that man did what he did

they said “looking for a death wish”

well, you didn’t hear my prayers in my head assholes!

that’s not a wish i wish on any star

it’s a wish to be loved, to be cherished, to be appreciated, for my undying love for love.

hopeless romantic?

so what!

that is god or goddess or whatever you call in somebody. If thats narcissism.

actually it is pretty fucking normal.

well you should catch that bug in this web of life.

i’m looking for a man, a good man, to be in love with, as a woman, i need a good man. i’m not getting love from a being that isn’t next to me that i can touch, embrace, feel. god is an idea about good and evil. and if god is about good, i pick good, it is my internal clock now everytime.

but the blood and guts man, i can’t do it, i see the evil of men and women in those pictures of jesus crucified. i know the world is about life and death.

and god wouldn’t want me to be crucified for that man over there. or anyone for that matter.

not the real benevolent god that rules the earth that brings spring and nature. same god, every religion, positive energy.

my goddess inside me is mother nature nurture female virgo

sometimes too much, sometimes to little.

but who cares!

nobody fucking cared.

watch the devil men god, watch them, and take them out.

i do not bless them cursing me.

Love speaking here-me-my voice-my mind-my soul

The Bible is really unhealthy to read by yourself. So is a lot of what has been going on. Draw the circle? Dudes. This is why I couldn’t read the Bible. I need positive help. Same with Al-Anon and as, it’s all black and white. Heaven/hell. Sin/innocence.

I have prayed for gods forgiveness, so much. I am a sinner, but what type of sinner? I drank, I had sex, I was tempted by evil and they did what evil doers do in the name of heaven or the name of evil. That is taking the lords name in vain. That is taking peoples lives and destroying them. Me as well, but nothing I did was deliberate, I realized I was so desperate to be loved, I abstain, but I still need gods love, and forgiveness from being terrified from crime victimization. I was innocent as a child, I was innocent when I was raped in 2013. and I view the world from optimism, because that is a true child/woman/man of god and that gets me hurt, I view the world from love, and that gets me hurt, I give, and then I see people take wrong actions, act abusive or do the wrong thing, and I can’t act like I’m okay with it, get convinced to do it to myself. That’s not godly, but there is a separation between church and state. And you think i’m the evil satanic force or possibly a sociopath Does this make sense? I have no ill intentions and I don’t need excuses or reasons to be cruel to be kind. Be kind. That’s understanding me, as much as you don’t want to believe it. You are asking the wrong person. I may die a martyr, but at least I did the right thing by telling the truth about my child abuse, the rape, just abuse in general and that it’s not our (other survivors who have been abused) faults who don’t have the same disease as them in reference to sexuality. Please stop making it hArder for me to recover. This is my life. And I’m just going to speak from my heart, mind body, and soul. Instead of what other people have been trying to do to me.

With love,carrie Carolyn anne crocker moon Flower. I am love, I am myself, I am self-love not self-obsession. It’s my life and I deserve to live life without fear.

I was almost taken into human trafficking, and I do not want to go through it again, I want peace and love and certainty, I am a hopeless romantic, I love compassion, nurturing, being good to people, But I have flashbacks when triggered by similar experiences. Stop messing with my car, stop messing with my life, step messing with me, this isn’t a game, this is life, reality, and I can’t file for bankruptcy again. and I need support from my community to be there for me, not against me. I have dreams, and I need to make wise decisions about my finances and have a future! Because I deserve it. God forgive them for the evil that they have done, and help them where they need to be, but I am not the enemy, All I do and all I ever try to do, is be a friend and a good person. I want my life back on my side. The side of that’s wrong, unlawful, immoral, etc. etc. I’m a little bit christian, a little bit buddhist, I am philosophical, I am too old to have to explain this, I’m 35 and I can’t even use my degrees I spent so many years trying to overcome blaming me, victimizing me, and hurting me because some people think I’m somebody I’m not.

The medications I was on, everything, fucked me up in the head. so did the trauma, but I can not and I will not stand by without help to actually help me who don’t have my back. And I need those people to reveal themselves to me. Cause this is a very serious situation. I have had my life on the line for far too long.

 

This is my wish, my prayer and my desire for myself. Let me live a good life.

Male Machinist

Male Machinist

Can’t undo the damage done

I just keep trying to fix it

but like a broken plate

a record

I’m broken into pieces

shattered

ashes to the wind

dead before living

dead before trying

never lying

always telling the truth

so much it hurts me more than I can stand

so I can fit in someone’s brand

branding me with his pen and ink

on my back

I’m the one to hate

I’m the only one to hate

when it isn’t true.

diagnose her

make her shut up about it

deny it

blame her

say the problems her

this is part of her evil plan

she must be evil.

she must be the evil one

the lilith

the snake charmer

she must be the evil one

afraid to live

afraid to die

afraid to make the wrong move

say the wrong thing

do the wrong thing

public shamed

she shamed herself

it’s all her fault

always her fault

always my fault

for trying to recover and get better

do better

like a machine

but I’m organic

not a machine

closer to the Machinist

than anything else I’ve ever done.

Make her the liar

not the truth speaker

make her the liar

nobody reads your shit anyways

honey

nobody pays attention to you anyways

you are vulnerable

thinking you are safe

and we will snatch you up black widow style

cause you should have trusted us.

miscommunication breakdown abounds

and Im left to make sense of it

and not get terrified in my heart alone

cause I’m introverted

and try to process emotions through art

writing

talking

poetry

doesn’t matter what you do honey

they are going to sting you

for being you

it’s easy, you make it so easy honey

social media

social work

social interaction

social destruction

feel the burn baby burn

don’t try not to die trying

because we will fix it for you

but you did it yourself

you were vulnerable

you tried to trust people

it’s your fault

not ours, we did nothing wrong

just made you look at yourself

take a goooooood haaaarrrrdddd loooooook at yourself

the writing is on the wall.

Your dead girl walking honey

even if you know it,

you are dead girl walking honey

just like before

this is our town.

we don’t value you anymore

we did once, but YOU changed

not us,

you are the problem

not us,

You got problems

you are crazy

you are alice

because we say so

nothing happened to you

it’s all in your head

not PTSD, not the telephone ringing

they are hunting for you.

been hunting you down.

for not getting over your rape in 2013.

for not getting over it like a machine

good luck begging for change

because we don’t want you to make it out alive

we will play games as long as it takes

because that’s the shape of our hearts

our spades

our clubs

and our diamonds

Good luck not dying girl

cause what happened to you makes US uncomfortable

even if you haven’t done anything wrong

except the abortion

but the future is our oyster,

and you are putty in our hands

clay.