Mental Health Awareness Month

“I may resent disappointments, rebel against a series of misfortunes which I regard as unmerited punishment. Yet in time I may come to understand that these can be considered gifts of enlightenment.”

-One Day At A Time

Since time has passed since the rape I have discovered that I am becoming grateful to have survived.

No, I am not grateful for the experience. I do not forgive the action, or even the person, I forgive myself for being a victim. I don’t believe in this forgiveness of a person who has no regret for what they did wrong. No one has asked me for my forgiveness. And I don’t expect anybody to ask for my forgiveness. Doesn’t mean it’s right. It just is.  I have asked others for their forgiveness, some of flat out told me to fuck off, and that is okay, because I sat down and looked at myself, my actions, and knew it was the right thing to do, even if I got their forgiveness or not, I at least honored their hurt, and learned from the experience. Because I needed to do what I could for me, and for them.

I am grateful I survived. I am grateful to see the darkness inside my soul, the hatred and anger from injustices, to see how I handle unrighteous experiences.

It is not fair to others, or myself to hold this “but I was raped when I turned 29,” to prevent me from moving forward, or hating others, or hating my lot in life. I am not being raped today, so why let it hold me back, that gives that man power over me, and I will not allow that for my life. It is my life on this earth. Mine, not his. I am not a toy.

My mind is not a toy. Sometimes I will remember at the most inopportune time of what I went through. Driving in a car, or as a passenger, or when I am just sitting in a parking lot about to go into work. Summer heat and weather always gets to me. The aftermath did more damage than the actual act at times.

Yes i have scars. A crooked nose now. When I model for others’ drawings, or paintings, or photos, it’s a problem for lighting, but that’s if somebody is trying to look for perfection in my face. And I tell them, “work with it, don’t hide it.”

I also drop things with my right hand. I hit the side of my finger where the blade sliced my skin and made me submit to further rebelliousness from my attacker and escape efforts. It tingles when it gets hit. The nerves scream across my hand, more intensely as the nerves heal, a 4 year old scar, still healing after all this time.  The scar on my neck from him choking me when I tried to jump out of the vehicle, that is almost gone now.

But that is the nature of healing, sometimes it takes a few months, and everything is back to normal. Sometimes it takes years. Like my mind, the memories, the PTSD.

I don’t trust doctor’s anymore with my life like I did before. I had to repair the damage of mis-diagnosis, and the effects of the wrong medications. When you take an antidepressant and you get worse instead of better, that means it is the wrong medication. It’s funny that Zoloft is the one that I spoke about how it made me feel better, and the previous doctors’ kept giving me the wrong medicines, changing it up quickly instead of gradually. Needless to say those doctors are no longer employed anymore. After I submitted my medical treatment for review to the state medical board. A lot of doctors try and treat rape like a “splinter” and look for another underlying issue, mainly just to put money in their pockets. Medicine is a business. My body is not a toy to play with, and I will go as far as to say some people tried to rape my mind with the wrong medications.

So I found a doctor who knew what they were doing, who listened, and stuck with them. Eventually my mind calmed down, eventually I regained trust, and eventually I got better.

I have had a horrible story turn into a better one. A lot of that I have had the help to realize, that when you are surrounded by people with diseases, like self-mutilation and depression. A partner that was suicidal. Family who has the disease of alcoholism making decisions for your life, without your help. You’re only issue was low self-esteem due to weight issues from untreated hypothyroidism and allergies, and an auto-immune disorder. And then there is you, no drinking history, straight A student, 3.8 GPA, graduated cum laude. A 6 figure job, that you left trusting peoples words that they would be there for you. And then you were suddenly scrambled in the head, suicidal and depressed from medications, and a choice you have never not regretted. Treating it like a simple procedure, a “removal of a parasite” that that family had said it meant, and yet it never felt right, as you convinced yourself over and over again. Doing something that was counter-intuition. It was a someone, not a parasite.

And then everything that defined you and was apart of your identity was quickly stripped away. And then your homeless and helpless after being drugged with mood altering anti-depressants. No food, no money, no job, helpless. Hearing hateful hurtful words from your best-friends and loved ones, who decided together, to kick you out, because you had changed forever. You weren’t performing to their standards, no longer useful, ta ta.

That would shatter you. Make you angry, make you depressed, make you irrational. Make you not you. All they did was help hurt you, instead of love you, and you tried as best you could at the time. And the reward you get for all that pain you’re going through, on top of it all, you get raped by a stranger, a third-level sex offender just out of prison. You are nameless. A disgrace, you are “where you belong” according to the “experts.”

Fuck that noise.

But that isn’t me anymore. I have re-defined who I am, and yet again I will again. Because the only constant in life is change.

I now know my dark side, It’s not pretty, nobodies dark side is. And after you have been beaten down so much, like a dog who gets beaten, or any animal on this planet you stop thinking, you start reacting, and you defend yourself. You fight back.

It’s called surviving.

And while people will sit there and judge you. They will fool themselves into thinking they are better than you, “I would never wind up homeless and raped at knife point. I am this…….. , or I am this…….. , and you are worthless. You are the monster, you are the crazy one.”

I am “crazy.” I have PTSD. I wasn’t “crazy” before, and I’m not really “crazy.” From trauma, from abuse, and people have tried to use my new mental illness to their advantage.

But the thing they don’t realize is that you can heal from PTSD, it’s a scar, on your brain,  the human body can heal itself. It is only temporary.

It is only temporary.

And even if I have it, and sometimes it sneaks up at times when I am at rest, or telling my story, I am better. I am healing. I am stronger. And I am grateful. I am grateful to know what other people go through. I am grateful to know that there is a light through the dark night of the soul.

I was raped. And I am alive today. He didn’t kill me. They didn’t kill me from their lack of love, from their abuse, from their stupidity of self-importance.

I am alive.

I have PTSD.

And I have people in my life who know the real me. The scarred, once broken, almost murdered, hated because of my gender me, hated for being a survivor, hated for not being that monster they want to believe I am, Looking for a way to explain and place blame on me for getting raped. “She must be a drug addict,” or “It must be some issue from her childhood,” or “It must be because she has a mental disorder,” or etc. etc. etc.

They also know the laughing me, the joyful me, the creative and compassionate me. I am called to help others when they need me. I am dependable, I am responsible, I am open-minded, I am passionate, I am adventurous, I am non-judgemental, I am supportive.

I am “crazy” and I have PTSD.

I’m happy to be me. And I am no different than anyone else.

Freedom

I did what the police told me to do. They have told me for the past five years to go to the prosecuting attorneys office in regards to the stalking and harassment. They told me to stop trying to resolve the issue, and to stop apologizing, and to accept the fact I can’t fix it. They directed me to the victim advocate, and she pointed out how I was being manipulated, how it was distracting me from my recovery, they pointed out the sadistic nature of the situation. With holding property was a manipulation tactic. How it was affecting me, keeping me stuck.

So I did what they told me to do. My family lawyer is prepared with a civil suit if they persist as well. The rest is up to those who choose to harass me. It’s not up to me anymore, It’s in the prosecuting attorney’s hands. They have the ip addresses, the e-mails, the text messages, all of them, everything I have collected over the years. I gave them everything.

I warned them.

I am going to occupy myself with living. This has turned into a part-time job, filling out stalking logs, making notes, making the timelines, consulting with lawyers, I quit. I am only interested in knowing about how to stay away from people like that. The first sign of trouble, I bounce now, I don’t even continue, or try to.

I tried to handle it as amicably as possible. I know my heart and where it resides. I don’t want anything bad to happen to anyone. I am too old for this shit. I have not enjoyed any minute of this. My support group has been very supportive.

I’m beginning to feel less and less of a victim, and more of a survivor. I feel stronger, I feel better, and I feel proud of myself. I had such a normal life before all of this, but it’s been nothing but drama, that’s putting it lightly, ever since I graduated college. And I am  I got so used to people being decent. And the exposure to the opposite has been mind-blowing. I didn’t realize how ill-equipped I was for this, I’ve always been more of a shy away from confrontation person when it involves me, but that has changed. And the realization of being in this situation and how easily I fell into the angry dispute in the beginning is ridiculous.

Stalking and harassment is a criminal offense. Defamation of Character and Slander is a civil offense. They know the names of all known parties involved. They are aware and prepared of the tag-team efforts.

I am going to be free.

Releasing trauma through spirituality

Some people may feel a little weird about this, It’s a different type of prayer. I do not endorse any specific religion or spiritual form. This is for you who may need this: http://elishasmantle.freeyellow.com/prayertrauma.pdf

There are a lot of prayers, rituals, or other things that people do for acts of healing from trauma. This is one that a friend of mine gave to me to pray.

Over time prayer has helped me, but meditation also helps me, getting focused in my body in the present, not allowing the past to affect me. When it’s too intense, I go out, hang out with friends, keep me distracted, so I don’t digress. When confronted with a triggering situation, I remove myself from the situation, to pause, take a breath, and see if I can go back to it.

There are a lot of prayers out there to help, belief.net, is a good one for christians. Last year I asked for the Medicine Buddha to help and aid me in my recovery during a guided meditation, I have even prayed to saints. Since then I have come to the conclusion I am an Omnitheist. Where no religion is right or wrong, they all represent God, every god is a representation of the same god.

Honestly, I know how angry it feels to have to turn to god. Where was god when you needed it? Why didn’t it protect you from your trauma, your violence?

That wasn’t god, that was man. That was a person’s motives and desires. It was not a lesson from god, it wasn’t punishment. It was the action of a separate entity, a human being, who chose to use you as an object for their abuse. That’s all, no other meaning than that, at least that is what I take in my case, you can take what you like from your experience.

At least that is my understanding of it, that I have to believe to get me through this, god had nothing to do with it, researching the science behind why these people do this, helps me understand, they are just that way, it’s a sickness in their mind. A violent mentality, that was expressed physically on me.

I need reason to understand things, I don’t just take people’s words for it, and I have to make sure things are backed up with scholarly articles, come from credible sources, before I will consider it as fact. So how do I believe in god?

There is energy right? What is god but energy? Not an idea, but a physical presence, it’s in me, it’s in the ground, it’s in the body of living things, energy. To me, god is the collective force that holds everything together, makes things move, grass doesn’t have a brain, but it’s living. If that man didn’t have a brain, he wouldn’t have made the decision to harm me. Otherwise, he would have just been like grass.

I hope that makes some semblance of sense. So much can be said without saying much. And when I pray, I take an action to be open to spirit, light, positivity, hope, and out of the dungeons of the trauma. It has helped me. I hope you find what helps you.

 

Assessing Dangerousness in Men Who Abuse Women

How to Heal From Controlling and Mentally Abusive Relationshi

Reposted from Livestrong.com

by ASHLEY MILLER  Last Updated: Jul 03, 2015
How to Heal From Controlling and Mentally Abusive Relationship

Mental abuse is a type of domestic violence. Being involved in a mentally abusive and controlling relationship can wreak havoc on many different parts of your life, including your self-esteem, relationships, career and overall psychological well-being. Give yourself credit for getting out of the relationship. Healing from a controlling, mentally abusive relationship takes time, effort, support and patience. If you’re thinking about ending an abusive relationship, but you’re not sure where to turn, you can get free, anonymous support and advice from the National Domestic Violence Hotline.

Step 1

Give yourself time to heal. Recovering from an abusive relationship doesn’t happen instantly. After you end the relationship, you’ll need time to put your life back together. You may have many things to think about, such as housing, employment, child care or other financial issues.

Step 2

Seek support from trusted friends, relatives or a licensed counselor. Your self-esteem and overall confidence level may be severely damaged by the abuse you endured. According to Help Guide, it’s not uncommon to experience symptoms of depression or anxiety. Reaching out for help can be difficult, but you’ll gain relief, validation and support by talking about your experience. You can also start work on rebuilding your self-esteem with proper counseling. Ask your primary care physician or a local mental health agency for a referral to a therapist specializing in domestic violence issues.

Step 3

Develop a creative outlet. Expressing your feelings in a journal or through an art form such as music, painting or poetry can be cathartic. Doing so can help you get in touch with the hurt. It’s important to release these feelings to heal.

Step 4

Resume a regular schedule when you feel ready. After ending a mentally abusive relationship, you feel like there’s no ground under your feet. Keeping a consistent daily routine will help you to re-establish a sense of normality. Don’t overeat or oversleep. Avoid escaping into an addiction such as alcohol or drug abuse.

Step 5

Consider joining a support group for survivors of abuse. According to psychologist Richard Ray Gayton in his book “The Forgiving Place: Choosing Peace After Violent Trauma,” support groups offer a safe place for you to discuss your feelings with others who have been through a similar experience. Hearing the stories of others who have been abused can make you feel less alone, and receiving empathy and validation will help you during the recovery process.

PTSD and Recovery

Wow, just wow!

And I am coming to the realization of some things that me and my therapist have had some awesome conversations of late, and I am so proud of myself. I had two “relapses” so to speak, the stress of everything just hit me, And so I’ve been taking steps to take care of myself. The anxiety sent me through the ceiling, and I have been choosing to not let it control me, and to try and keep my head, while both acknowledging my feelings, and experiences, so I have kept focused, my mantra, “Not today, not tomorrow, not ever.”

It takes time to reprogram your mind from PTSD. And since I went through a series of traumatic events back to back, she is helping me maintain focus, and I am so grateful. It starting to become less of a problem, and I am working with my therapist to get me to a point where I can manage on my own.

The mental health factor of dealing with PTSD is difficult. Here are some of the factors, and you can do a google search. This is from NIMH: https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/post-traumatic-stress-disorder-ptsd/index.shtml

Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder

Definition

PTSD is a disorder that develops in some people who have experienced a shocking, scary, or dangerous event.

It is natural to feel afraid during and after a traumatic situation. Fear triggers many split-second changes in the body to help defend against danger or to avoid it. This “fight-or-flight” response is a typical reaction meant to protect a person from harm. Nearly everyone will experience a range of reactions after trauma, yet most people recover from initial symptoms naturally. Those who continue to experience problems may be diagnosed with PTSD. People who have PTSD may feel stressed or frightened even when they are not in danger.

Signs and Symptoms

Not every traumatized person develops ongoing (chronic) or even short-term (acute) PTSD. Not everyone with PTSD has been through a dangerous event. Some experiences, like the sudden, unexpected death of a loved one, can also cause PTSD. Symptoms usually begin early, within 3 months of the traumatic incident, but sometimes they begin years afterward. Symptoms must last more than a month and be severe enough to interfere with relationships or work to be considered PTSD. The course of the illness varies. Some people recover within 6 months, while others have symptoms that last much longer. In some people, the condition becomes chronic.

A doctor who has experience helping people with mental illnesses, such as a psychiatrist or psychologist, can diagnose PTSD.

To be diagnosed with PTSD, an adult must have all of the following for at least 1 month:

  • At least one re-experiencing symptom
  • At least one avoidance symptom
  • At least two arousal and reactivity symptoms
  • At least two cognition and mood symptoms

Re-experiencing symptoms include:

  • Flashbacks—reliving the trauma over and over, including physical symptoms like a racing heart or sweating
  • Bad dreams
  • Frightening thoughts

Re-experiencing symptoms may cause problems in a person’s everyday routine. The symptoms can start from the person’s own thoughts and feelings. Words, objects, or situations that are reminders of the event can also trigger re-experiencing symptoms.

Avoidance symptoms include:

  • Staying away from places, events, or objects that are reminders of the traumatic experience
  • Avoiding thoughts or feelings related to the traumatic event

Things that remind a person of the traumatic event can trigger avoidance symptoms. These symptoms may cause a person to change his or her personal routine. For example, after a bad car accident, a person who usually drives may avoid driving or riding in a car.

Arousal and reactivity symptoms include:

  • Being easily startled
  • Feeling tense or “on edge”
  • Having difficulty sleeping
  • Having angry outbursts

Arousal symptoms are usually constant, instead of being triggered by things that remind one of the traumatic events. These symptoms can make the person feel stressed and angry. They may make it hard to do daily tasks, such as sleeping, eating, or concentrating.

Cognition and mood symptoms include:

  • Trouble remembering key features of the traumatic event
  • Negative thoughts about oneself or the world
  • Distorted feelings like guilt or blame
  • Loss of interest in enjoyable activities

Cognition and mood symptoms can begin or worsen after the traumatic event, but are not due to injury or substance use. These symptoms can make the person feel alienated or detached from friends or family members.

It is natural to have some of these symptoms after a dangerous event. Sometimes people have very serious symptoms that go away after a few weeks. This is called acute stress disorder, or ASD. When the symptoms last more than a month, seriously affect one’s ability to function, and are not due to substance use, medical illness, or anything except the event itself, they might be PTSD. Some people with PTSD don’t show any symptoms for weeks or months. PTSD is often accompanied by depression, substance abuse, or one or more of the other anxiety disorders.

Do children react differently than adults?

Children and teens can have extreme reactions to trauma, but their symptoms may not be the same as adults. In very young children (less than 6 years of age), these symptoms can include:

  • Wetting the bed after having learned to use the toilet
  • Forgetting how to or being unable to talk
  • Acting out the scary event during playtime
  • Being unusually clingy with a parent or other adult

Older children and teens are more likely to show symptoms similar to those seen in adults. They may also develop disruptive, disrespectful, or destructive behaviors. Older children and teens may feel guilty for not preventing injury or deaths. They may also have thoughts of revenge. For additional information, visit the Learn More section below. The National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH) offers free print materials in English and Spanish. These can be read online, downloaded, or delivered to you in the mail.

Risk Factors

Anyone can develop PTSD at any age. This includes war veterans, children, and people who have been through a physical or sexual assault, abuse, accident, disaster, or many other serious events. According to the National Center for PTSD , about 7 or 8 out of every 100 people will experience PTSD at some point in their lives. Women are more likely to develop PTSD than men, and genes may make some people more likely to develop PTSD than others.

Not everyone with PTSD has been through a dangerous event. Some people develop PTSD after a friend or family member experiences danger or harm. The sudden, unexpected death of a loved one can also lead to PTSD.

Why do some people develop PTSD and other people do not?

It is important to remember that not everyone who lives through a dangerous event develops PTSD. In fact, most people will not develop the disorder.

Many factors play a part in whether a person will develop PTSD. Some examples are listed below. Risk factors make a person more likely to develop PTSD. Other factors, called resilience factors, can help reduce the risk of the disorder.

Risk Factors and Resilience Factors for PTSD

Some factors that increase risk for PTSD include:

  • Living through dangerous events and traumas
  • Getting hurt
  • Seeing another person hurt, or seeing a dead body
  • Childhood trauma
  • Feeling horror, helplessness, or extreme fear
  • Having little or no social support after the event
  • Dealing with extra stress after the event, such as loss of a loved one, pain and injury, or loss of a job or home
  • Having a history of mental illness or substance abuse

Some resilience factors that may reduce the risk of PTSD include:

  • Seeking out support from other people, such as friends and family
  • Finding a support group after a traumatic event
  • Learning to feel good about one’s own actions in the face of danger
  • Having a positive coping strategy, or a way of getting through the bad event and learning from it
  • Being able to act and respond effectively despite feeling fear

Researchers are studying the importance of these and other risk and resilience factors, including genetics and neurobiology. With more research, someday it may be possible to predict who is likely to develop PTSD and to prevent it.

Treatments and Therapies

The main treatments for people with PTSD are medications, psychotherapy (“talk” therapy), or both. Everyone is different, and PTSD affects people differently so a treatment that works for one person may not work for another. It is important for anyone with PTSD to be treated by a mental health provider who is experienced with PTSD. Some people with PTSD need to try different treatments to find what works for their symptoms.

If someone with PTSD is going through an ongoing trauma, such as being in an abusive relationship, both of the problems need to be addressed. Other ongoing problems can include panic disorder, depression, substance abuse, and feeling suicidal.

Medications

The most studied medications for treating PTSD include antidepressants, which may help control PTSD symptoms such as sadness, worry, anger, and feeling numb inside. Antidepressants and other medications may be prescribed along with psychotherapy. Other medications may be helpful for specific PTSD symptoms. For example, although it is not currently FDA approved, research has shown that Prazosin may be helpful  with sleep problems, particularly nightmares, commonly experienced by people with PTSD.

Doctors and patients can work together to find the best medication or medication combination, as well as the right dose. Check the U.S. Food and Drug Administration website (http://www.fda.gov/ ) for the latest information on patient medication guides, warnings, or newly approved medications.

Psychotherapy

Psychotherapy (sometimes called “talk therapy”) involves talking with a mental health professional to treat a mental illness. Psychotherapy can occur one-on-one or in a group. Talk therapy treatment for PTSD usually lasts 6 to 12 weeks, but it can last longer. Research shows that support from family and friends can be an important part of recovery.

Many types of psychotherapy can help people with PTSD. Some types target the symptoms of PTSD directly. Other therapies focus on social, family, or job-related problems. The doctor or therapist may combine different therapies depending on each person’s needs.

Effective psychotherapies tend to emphasize a few key components, including education about symptoms, teaching skills to help identify the triggers of symptoms, and skills to manage the symptoms. One helpful form of therapy is called cognitive behavioral therapy, or CBT. CBT can include:

  • Exposure therapy. This helps people face and control their fear. It gradually exposes them to the trauma they experienced in a safe way. It uses imagining, writing, or visiting the place where the event happened. The therapist uses these tools to help people with PTSD cope with their feelings.
  • Cognitive restructuring. This helps people make sense of the bad memories. Sometimes people remember the event differently than how it happened. They may feel guilt or shame about something that is not their fault. The therapist helps people with PTSD look at what happened in a realistic way.

There are other types of treatment that can help as well. People with PTSD should talk about all treatment options with a therapist. Treatment should equip individuals with the skills to manage their symptoms and help them participate in activities that they enjoyed before developing PTSD.

How Talk Therapies Help People Overcome PTSD
Talk therapies teach people helpful ways to react to the frightening events that trigger their PTSD symptoms. Based on this general goal, different types of therapy may:

  • Teach about trauma and its effects
  • Use relaxation and anger-control skills
  • Provide tips for better sleep, diet, and exercise habits
  • Help people identify and deal with guilt, shame, and other feelings about the event
  • Focus on changing how people react to their PTSD symptoms. For example, therapy helps people face reminders of the trauma.

Beyond Treatment: How can I help myself?

It may be very hard to take that first step to help yourself. It is important to realize that although it may take some time, with treatment, you can get better. If you are unsure where to go for help, ask your family doctor. You can also check NIMH’s Help for Mental Illnesses page or search online for “mental health providers,” “social services,” “hotlines,” or “physicians” for phone numbers and addresses. An emergency room doctor can also provide temporary help and can tell you where and how to get further help.
To help yourself while in treatment:

  • Talk with your doctor about treatment options
  • Engage in mild physical activity or exercise to help reduce stress
  • Set realistic goals for yourself
  • Break up large tasks into small ones, set some priorities, and do what you can as you can
  • Try to spend time with other people, and confide in a trusted friend or relative. Tell others about things that may trigger symptoms.
  • Expect your symptoms to improve gradually, not immediately
  • Identify and seek out comforting situations, places, and people

Caring for yourself and others is especially important when large numbers of people are exposed to traumatic events (such as natural disasters, accidents, and violent acts). For more information, see the Learn More section, below.

Next Steps for PTSD Research

In the last decade, progress in research on the mental and biological foundations of PTSD has lead scientists to focus on better understanding the underlying causes of why people experience a range of reactions to trauma.

  • NIMH-funded researchers are exploring trauma patients in acute care settings to better understand the changes that occur in individuals whose symptoms improve naturally.
  • Other research is looking at how fear memories are affected by learning, changes in the body, or even sleep.
  • Research on preventing the development of PTSD soon after trauma exposure is also under way.
  • Still other research is attempting to identify what factors determine whether someone with PTSD will respond well to one type of intervention or another, aiming to develop more personalized, effective, and efficient treatments.
  • As gene research and brain imaging technologies continue to improve, scientists are more likely to be able to pinpoint when and where in the brain PTSD begins. This understanding may then lead to better targeted treatments to suit each person’s own needs or even prevent the disorder before it causes harm.

So that is the article above.

I am not having the same angry outbursts that I had before, the anger thing scares me, it is never a good thing. The self-hatred and anger about being victimized, dating an unworthy person opened my eyes to what I chose to ignore. And so many things make more sense now. And I’m not going to allow the responsible parties turn me into something I am not because of their anger. Some people saw these signs before the rape, that’s because I went through trauma before the rape, they ignore that part and the consequences of their behavior. I’m pretty much like “fuck that noise,” Blame the survivor, not the perpetrator. Okay, well, you saw the results of the facts, there are things called consequences to your actions, sorry you didn’t like the natural results to these actions. Then you shouldn’t have done them. Nuff ‘said.

I am not going to allow this anger, or someone else’s anger to consume me. I can say no all I want, but I have the right to protect myself from others, I don’t enjoy it, nor do I seek it, I have gotten to that point of being sick and tired of being sick and tired. I have seen where that road goes, and I’m not willing to travel that direction. And that is what I have been working on for quite sometime, the fear responses, and other things. I am not going to go in that direction where this destroys me, or allow other people to try and destroy me because they want me to be less than.

One thing I have been doing is forcing myself to watch war films, tv shows,  and romance films. All are triggers, but I’m starting to enjoy films again. For a while there I couldn’t even watch a movie without it triggering something inside of me that was a trauma. when there is too  much blood, or people screaming, I get nauseous, and the flashback from my experiences with violence come in, but it’s something my step-father recommend for his PTSD as a soldier. God I miss that man!

 

It has been interesting for people to say they understand, but then act in a way that is showing me that they don’t understand. The people closest to me understand, because they know me from before, saw the trauma, saw me get help, and then have seen the results. I’m back to myself, but I’ve also changed a bit, it is so helpful, I focus on loving myself, when a triggering experience occurs, I face it, instead of trying to force it away, because I don’t want this to control me for the rest of my life. And I am tried of being treated without consideration or respect for my illness by myself, and especially others. I am not as open to others as I used to be. I take red flags seriously, and instead of waiting for a sign of something different, I just cut it off, even with myself, I look at where it could lead, and I go, nope, never again, if I have a chose, then no.

The one thing my spiritual advisor has been assisting me with of late is shielding my energy from others. It has been working, i know it sounds strange and weird. I sometimes go, this isn’t a fantasy novel or video game, and I’m very skeptical, but It has kind of been working. Life is about energy, even Einstein mentioned that energy never dies, it is just transfered. There is this energetic force that created the universe, and that makes me go, who am I to say its not the way it is. She told me I have a guardian angel, and I kind of scoff at it, because of all the shit I’ve been through. But I’m open. Having died in a way, and trying to come back to life, is a hard process, like the phoenix being reborn, I am shedding my skin of that which does not serve me, or others, and that is what is important. I am speaking my truth, and I love commas obviously, and I’m sharing the truth even if my voice shakes. lol. So, who knows. I have optimism mixed with realism, and i’m happy in regards to this, it helps.

 

Great Quotes

We never know how high we are
Till we are called to rise;
And then, if we are true to plan,
Our statures touch the skies –

~Emily Dickinson
The most common way people give up their power is by thinking they don’t have any.

~Alice Walker
When we speak we are afraid our words will not be heard or welcomed. But when we are silent, we are still afraid. So it is better to speak
~Audre Lorde