Hornets Nests

Maybe

Aster

A Gas Particle

We are what We are

Everything is connected

I will not be

just one person

not this me

an action of contrition

I believe

somebody & somebody else

vibrate love

we are all just pawns

between light

& black holes

& everything in between

Atoms electrons & energy

each has their own

taste

& I’m tired

of attracting

your decay.

It is time to

drive the devil out.

Hand to my forehead

“You are healed sister mary & jospeh

feel the power of god

you are saved!”

Seriously?

Snake Bites!

what the fuck?!

still flowing

still going

you have got

to be

kidding me!

bubbles

above my head

eyebrow raised

stoic face

“Save me Jesus!”

 

 

me too

I hear you

just a different vibration a different

direction from

                    where

           your

going

left

right

up

 

 

 

 

 

 

down

 

Stuck in this body

trapped

give it time

be patient

where is my destination

“sacriliage

your going to hell

Heritic!”

fuck my life

shak’n my head

you want some chicken?

I’m ending this

conversation

on my soul.

body language

never read

nothing

wil

ever

work or please you

I’m done.

emotional vertigo

save my life!

such a huge argument

dropping the bomb

atomic warfare

like a tornado

picking up

dorothy’s house

keeps pulling

pulling

pulling

gettign the weed

double speak

double meanings

gardening?

what does she mean?

encrypted

like

the

 

“who has the key to the code?”

him

“Him

Who?”

 

my lover

tore my heart

my mind

my life

apart!

 

“you got options.”

“So do we!”

my fear thinks

speaks

reacts

slight of hand

“TAKE HER DOWN!”

I know I write that phone number down

I don’t know who’s it is.

AGAIN!

 

So many places

so many faces

“Get some!”

slight of hand

pull the petals

he loves me

he loves me not.

reading people’s minds

their reactions.

Am I right?

or am I wrong?

Suicide!

“Die Bitch Die!”

“RAPE HER AGAIN!”

until she gets it this time………hehehehe evil grins

Cheshire cats of mice and men

Welcome to Hotel California

Welcome to HELL on earth.

for women like you.

So many faces

so many places

whirlwind tornadoes

back again

who are you

where are you

just love me again just love me again wish make a wish this is my foundation stop pulling me apart

“there is no home.”

“Can I come home now?!”

“Not for you not anymore.”

Dementia nope just crying out loud I am just crying out loud from the pain!

“for crying out loud!”

“I hate you!”

everywhere

another rock star

another dark star

“he left you

he hit you

hurt you.” LEAVE ME ALONE!

he doesn’t love you.”

We hurt you out of love.”

 

gnats flies

buzzlebub

bezzelebub

same fucking god damn name.

 

goodbye

Dead

Fucking

Dame

Cause that’s your name now.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Male Machinist

Male Machinist

Can’t undo the damage done

I just keep trying to fix it

but like a broken plate

a record

I’m broken into pieces

shattered

ashes to the wind

dead before living

dead before trying

never lying

always telling the truth

so much it hurts me more than I can stand

so I can fit in someone’s brand

branding me with his pen and ink

on my back

I’m the one to hate

I’m the only one to hate

when it isn’t true.

diagnose her

make her shut up about it

deny it

blame her

say the problems her

this is part of her evil plan

she must be evil.

she must be the evil one

the lilith

the snake charmer

she must be the evil one

afraid to live

afraid to die

afraid to make the wrong move

say the wrong thing

do the wrong thing

public shamed

she shamed herself

it’s all her fault

always her fault

always my fault

for trying to recover and get better

do better

like a machine

but I’m organic

not a machine

closer to the Machinist

than anything else I’ve ever done.

Make her the liar

not the truth speaker

make her the liar

nobody reads your shit anyways

honey

nobody pays attention to you anyways

you are vulnerable

thinking you are safe

and we will snatch you up black widow style

cause you should have trusted us.

miscommunication breakdown abounds

and Im left to make sense of it

and not get terrified in my heart alone

cause I’m introverted

and try to process emotions through art

writing

talking

poetry

doesn’t matter what you do honey

they are going to sting you

for being you

it’s easy, you make it so easy honey

social media

social work

social interaction

social destruction

feel the burn baby burn

don’t try not to die trying

because we will fix it for you

but you did it yourself

you were vulnerable

you tried to trust people

it’s your fault

not ours, we did nothing wrong

just made you look at yourself

take a goooooood haaaarrrrdddd loooooook at yourself

the writing is on the wall.

Your dead girl walking honey

even if you know it,

you are dead girl walking honey

just like before

this is our town.

we don’t value you anymore

we did once, but YOU changed

not us,

you are the problem

not us,

You got problems

you are crazy

you are alice

because we say so

nothing happened to you

it’s all in your head

not PTSD, not the telephone ringing

they are hunting for you.

been hunting you down.

for not getting over your rape in 2013.

for not getting over it like a machine

good luck begging for change

because we don’t want you to make it out alive

we will play games as long as it takes

because that’s the shape of our hearts

our spades

our clubs

and our diamonds

Good luck not dying girl

cause what happened to you makes US uncomfortable

even if you haven’t done anything wrong

except the abortion

but the future is our oyster,

and you are putty in our hands

clay.

 

 

 

Time Clock

Fucked my Heart

Made a madness of my mind

betrayal of another kind

over and over again

who is she

who is this

who is she really

a woman

had an abortion

his name was Damian

because of betrayal

of HIS rooster minded

obsession with my

previous history

And here I am god

crying

dying

pleading

screaming

questioning, questioned of my character

because I have no fiction

no real fiction

except this reality

that I am not the one

for anyone to love

just a pit stop to change your oil

and move on to another girl

FOR YEARS

and years

times up

recognize

I’m not Alice in Wonderland

cause this isn’t a wonderful story

It’s real

I am not a prostitute

nor have I ever been

just treated like one

over and over again trying to find love

I’ve been objectifying myself

and I hate what I have done to myself

The truth is inside me

My eyes have seen the evil of men

even women

Fear driven

because he stole my phone years ago

Been made to move and run and go here go there

go this way

that way

no compass

I used to have such a good sense of direction

and I pray to god to save me

every minute every day every year

to love me back

love me like I love you back

Turning burning spinning

like a zoetrope

But so much interference

Trying to go from victim to survivor

but they won’t stop victimizing me

and try and say its all in my head

a figment of my imagination

I’m too old for this shit

I’m not the problem here

YOU ARE

If you had gone through it

If it had happened to you

would you judge so quickly

STOP violating ME

Whistle Blower

call the dogs to defend her

defend me

I am not the ENEMY

Just trying to be a friend

I tried to tell you

Do no Harm

that is God’s Law

just trying to be as real as My soul believes and knows I am

God know me, bought time you did to

except treat people

with APATHY

I will not go back to HELL

Over this HUGE miscommunication

my skin burns, my nerves on fire, like 2010

Over and over again.

Just let me live happy, joyous, and free

I want my own family woman day

I want to get married some day with the RIGHT GUY

Believe my heart has never changed

And there are things that ARE UNFORGIVABLE

And I will not and I cannot forgive rapists, robbers, murderers, or pedophiles

those people are FUCKED UP!

GO FUCK yourself

Stop fucking with my mind, my heart, my body, and my soul

Get the PICTURE of opportunity?

I’m one of gods kids, and god is Mr. Right On Time.

 

 

 

Neverwhere

He took advantage of me

Tricky fingers in the middle of the night

While i was awake

Secret words and messages

Could cost me my life

This year

If his vision is to hurt women

Then thats what he did

Hitting my head

On a ceiling for every direction

I tried to play it off

“He was drunk”

Cost me my job

Sent me over the edge

With the happenstance

Of a surprise visit

From the original

You won’t let me

Forget

My pain

You wont accept

Its BEEN taken care of

Bad boys riding

Got the message

Except

They

Don’t

Protect

Adult women

Just the ones when they are young.

No one protects me.

It’s my job, i’m superwoman, i’m not

Just human, with a human heart

Who knows

You don’t treat people like that!

Audio

radio

Phone-line

Loud and clear yet?

While you running around

Ignoring me

You had one right there

To protect me

But that would me you would actually

Have to fucking care!

Except besides whats the next beer on tap.

Fucking wasteful men and women.

I wish my son hadn’t died for these mens sins.

indian pale ale

Drink your bitter beer

Enjoy the taste

Target on my chest

Begging in my eyes

Please god make this stop

If you had eyes to see

It’s coming i feel it

But nope

Blame the woman

And not the man who has no respect.

Just some bitch he fucked

Not a person

Regardless she was looking for love.

you are no savior of the world

You used me to abuse and destroy me.

This place hasn’t changed.

Bad Theatre

Bad Theatre

I am not her anymore, i’m who i was before

Just in the madness of the life you created for me

Still waiting for the dawn.

I will not let you use me anymore

Or him or her or that person

I need to be free

Because as a child it wasn’t my fault

But as an adult it was my fault?

For trusting you or him or her

My child inside deserves better

My soul, my heart, my mind

And as smoke and mirrors

Are presented poorly

And manipulation occurs

I woke up to the reality of the portrayal

And I remembered

I’m not your victim anymore.

You judge me and encouraged me

To break myself for your lies

And i can not lie for you anymore.

Or i’ll die from the explosions in the display

My life is mine to have a better time

Not yours to suck it away.

Murder of crows

When you see her

Do you judge me?

For what i had no control over

Dreaming of a happy family

Waking up to nightmares?

Does it justify

Your behavior?

Its all i wanted

To live the dream

Of a happy family

But

Instead you judge me

Tar and feather me

Over and over again

For telling the truth

And want me to lie

Be shut up

To keep the lie

Living

While the messenger

And the experiencer

Lies dying

Different places

Different faces

Different situations

Same thing over and over again

To punish me

Just wanting to be happy

Just wanting to live

Ever after

Not nevermore.

i’m not a child anymore

But still a child of god

Too

Just like you.