It is official, I have been off antidepressants for 6 months.
It is AMAZING!
Well, that and not a whole lot of bad things are happening, but even the bad things, there is a different clarity, an old school clarity, my brain functioning like before, I have experienced since this new freedom from Zoloft.
Now I am not a medical professional, and most of my comments have come from processing the information of licensed professionals. However these have been the benefits since I am Zoloft free:
- No more feeling numb and not connected to myself.
- No more indigestion brought on by the medications.
- No more paranoia, obsessive worrying thoughts and panic are controllable.
- Better emotional understanding with other individuals and people.
- Still working on being less vulnerable to abusive types and setting boundaries.
- Intuition and inner voice has improved.
- Recognizing my thoughts are focused on positivity and not so fear based.
- Fear is not all encompassing anymore.
- I can cry again, actually really feel it, instead of it sitting behind my eyes.
- Suppressed feelings are processing, where as, numbing was necessary to create a safer distance between me and the trauma time line.
- I see god working in my life again, and my little themes of the days are back. What this means is that there will be a theme for the day, like seeing the color red all day, red balloons, red flowers, etc. etc. or motorcycle themes, or uhaul.
- My feelings of premonition are back, this is more related to instincts and understanding the full relation of my surroundings, and people. Not to be confused with psychic.
- I can feel people better, empathic abilities are improving.
- Self-esteem is improved, healthy risk taking has come back, vs unhealthy risk taking.
- Desperation is gone.
- Codependncy is improving, but that is because of regaining emotional and social support.
- Not so needy or compulsive, more inner strength, but that helps when you just focus on positive things and philosophies like Law of Attraction, Wabi Sabi, and information and resources.
- I have also began to be able to process self-defense again, verbal, learning more about physical, and know how to enact it when necessary (not eager to test this, I fucking hate violence).
- Fatigue is not as bad, I get fatigued easily regardless, with this auto-immune system there is not much I can do about that.
- Memory and motivation has improved.
- Not willing to ignore gut instincts.
Now this has been from some hard-work, and now thanks to lack of distractions from aggressors. And also changing some self-defeating beliefs that were created by the trauma. Like there is nothing I can do to protect myself from violent people. That is no longer true, I have a new found patience that I am so happy to have.
So I started a new job today and I am super excited, and looking forward to new things to meet my life goals. I am so grateful and looking to learn and grow, and help others learn and grow. Very close to my heart.
The thing is now, I am far pickier about people now, who I am willing to deal with and who I am not. It’s not personal, but If you show red flags, the problem isn’t me, it’s time to look at yourself. Drug addicts, even recovering addicts, or people with anger management problems, are not on my radar for a warm smile or close interaction.
Especially if you have a criminal record. You are in god’s hands, I can’t help you, you have to suffer the consequences of your behavior for you to learn, as I have dealing with these types of people. They are just not safe. Not meaning that they are not deserving of love, I just have love to give to those who are trying, and working, and proving with action rather than words. That I can handle, but if not, I can only wish you the best and hope you find help.
Life is short, and I have another chance at it, and I’m going to take it. Anyone in my way will be addressed within reason, as needed to the specific situation.
I’m still dealing with some shame and guilt about some things, of course, but mainly behaviors that were exhibited during the time of treatment. With PTSD there is anger issues, as to be expected, unfortunately, and that is my least favorite emotion, growing up for a thankfully short time in an abusive environment, it makes sense, the primal instincts and desires, but not necessarily reasonable. And that is something that caused me to get help, because I didn’t like how I was behaving. Thank god that is over, but I will always have to deal with it if it arises again. I noticed some of my triggers for it, and I am working on how to handle those triggers, I slipped a few months ago, allowing a drug addict to get under my skin playing games. Ironically their zodiac was similar to some other people, so now I know what that was about for myself.
However, the thing is that sometimes the problem isn’t you, even if people want to blame you, the problem is not you after all. Because these people can’t tell you who you are, you can, cause you are the only person who knows themselves enough. And If I had deeper mental health problems, I’d address them, because I care about myself and others. Regardless if they care about me, this is why I will keep a distance from certain people, due to protecting myself, also in turn, protects them. Some people just won’t ever get along. Such is life and living it.
I’ve been asked to submit to the Mighty mental health forum as a volunteer contributing writer. Now just how to get paid to write and travel. Now that would be a dream. I’m completing one dream and going to go to Kenya next month, working on lesson plans right now. I know I will not want to leave once I get there. Also a little nervous because I don’t know too much Swahili, but what better place to learn, than in the midst of the people.