Expression of recent anger-not happy

YOU ARE A REALLY FUCKED UP ALCOHOLIC! THAT WAS FUCKING DISGUSTING WHAT YOU FUCKING DID TO ME YOU EGOMANIAC PSYCHOPATHS!

 

“YOU know him very carefully?” No wonder I backed into that car?! You guys and gals thought I was lying. ]

 

 

I recently went through dating violence again in 2017. So this is a complete disorganized mess again.

What its like living with flashbacks and having your PTSD re-triggered by getting raped again by constant inquisitiveness into my close personal information of surviving attempted human trafficking, and attempted murder, along with getting raped up the ass violently trying to escape the psycho mother fucker. This Has not been fun or funny for me. Stop raping me: mind, body and soul (and financially). I literally flinch physically. And when someone starts coming at me aggressively, I get mad and scared (this is normal, did you know that, that’s what  fear tactics create) at being bullied, harassed, and abused and misused and having my trust violated this way. I’ve lost my job again, thanks to curiosity of complete strangers and sexual harassment after returning and being of service as a christian, trying to give hope and help in another country and returning to America. Do you know how there are people in America who go through this too, and it’s not our fault either?

Your anti-depressants caused that creation. Medical mistreatment! Of a healthy person who cries.

This has really fucking hurt my feelings (and I cry about it) regularly, almost every day, sometimes 4-5 times a day. Thanks. And I may be a christian, but I still fucking cuss at assholes! I’m not you’re fucking toy or slave to abuse and crucify because somebody fucked up and try to say I was a god damn prostitute! COCKSUCKERS! He stole my last $400 dollars,  he is a third level sex offender. HE CUT ME WITH AN OUTBACK STEAK KNIFE-I remember, I’ve used one before eating at Outback when life was more normal and happy.

I get mental images and flashes of imagery of previous experiences flash in my head. I flinch.

And you know what else? I got raped again upon my return from Africa by a guy who was just waiting for the opportunity to use that experience against me. Because that is what abusive men do who hate women! So what did I do? I TOLD THE COPS AND REPORTED IT LIKE YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO DO! That’s what you do.

Now, I need to get employed thank you for fucking with my life AGAIN! (NOT!) I’m A FUCKING WOMAN ASSHOLES SHOW SOME REPECT!

I don’t love criminals, I FUCKING HATE THEM! Channel your anger into a healthy form, I keep trying to do that, and people keep trying to deny that I know how to show care and concern. I actually love people, but my loving heart/voice keeps getting lost in the tone.

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Fuck off Southern Comfort Snakes

As we live and breathe and die.

I lay here sitting trying not to cry

feelings rendered in life’s path

trying no to unleash

the rage in me

breathing, reading, crying,

talk to jesus girl

read scripture

just to tease US tease you.

Did you know?

not every suicidal person

has a homicidal vendetta

against women, children, & men.

confusing my mind heart & soul.

as I trust other people’s opinions, or scams, or fake-outs.

getting prank calls & actors acting & actions

as if the world is my stage

fuck this bullshit!

unrealistic resentments

lifeless

I am not a book

I am not an object

I am not Alice in wonderland

I am not Carrie the Movie

or Betty Crocker (an ad)

i’m just me, not a whore.

i’m just me, miss nevermore

never gonna win

never gonna recover

from gossip, domination, & arrogant (motherfuckers)

and while people give compassion

to everyone else but me

I get the silent treatment

because one guy hurt me real bad in my heart

and then came another and another and another and another and another

men using their dicks like guns

and my sexual body like a slave

go find a match girl

meet him on tinder, we got plenty of apps for that

meaningless sex & heartbreak

everyone clink their glasses

Happy New Year she’s just a fine piece of asses (ashes) making a fool of herself looking for love

don’t talk about suicide, don’t talk about how you were raped, don’t talk, don’t talk, laugh and have fun.

i almost used a gun on myself

a knife

almost jumped off a bridge into the interstate

after that man did what he did

they said “looking for a death wish”

well, you didn’t hear my prayers in my head assholes!

that’s not a wish i wish on any star

it’s a wish to be loved, to be cherished, to be appreciated, for my undying love for love.

hopeless romantic?

so what!

that is god or goddess or whatever you call in somebody. If thats narcissism.

actually it is pretty fucking normal.

well you should catch that bug in this web of life.

i’m looking for a man, a good man, to be in love with, as a woman, i need a good man. i’m not getting love from a being that isn’t next to me that i can touch, embrace, feel. god is an idea about good and evil. and if god is about good, i pick good, it is my internal clock now everytime.

but the blood and guts man, i can’t do it, i see the evil of men and women in those pictures of jesus crucified. i know the world is about life and death.

and god wouldn’t want me to be crucified for that man over there. or anyone for that matter.

not the real benevolent god that rules the earth that brings spring and nature. same god, every religion, positive energy.

my goddess inside me is mother nature nurture female virgo

sometimes too much, sometimes to little.

but who cares!

nobody fucking cared.

watch the devil men god, watch them, and take them out.

i do not bless them cursing me.

What the poems actually are about.

actually these are poems more written by men violating womens minds bodies hearts and souls, such as mine. some are actual accounts of recent events. you want names? people? places? i wont let me forget! because it is wrong!

trying to keep secrets and protecting sinners and abusing innocent women/woman. like me.

read a book.

let’s face it. go fuck yourselves chauvinistic abusive men.

Love speaking here-me-my voice-my mind-my soul

The Bible is really unhealthy to read by yourself. So is a lot of what has been going on. Draw the circle? Dudes. This is why I couldn’t read the Bible. I need positive help. Same with Al-Anon and as, it’s all black and white. Heaven/hell. Sin/innocence.

I have prayed for gods forgiveness, so much. I am a sinner, but what type of sinner? I drank, I had sex, I was tempted by evil and they did what evil doers do in the name of heaven or the name of evil. That is taking the lords name in vain. That is taking peoples lives and destroying them. Me as well, but nothing I did was deliberate, I realized I was so desperate to be loved, I abstain, but I still need gods love, and forgiveness from being terrified from crime victimization. I was innocent as a child, I was innocent when I was raped in 2013. and I view the world from optimism, because that is a true child/woman/man of god and that gets me hurt, I view the world from love, and that gets me hurt, I give, and then I see people take wrong actions, act abusive or do the wrong thing, and I can’t act like I’m okay with it, get convinced to do it to myself. That’s not godly, but there is a separation between church and state. And you think i’m the evil satanic force or possibly a sociopath Does this make sense? I have no ill intentions and I don’t need excuses or reasons to be cruel to be kind. Be kind. That’s understanding me, as much as you don’t want to believe it. You are asking the wrong person. I may die a martyr, but at least I did the right thing by telling the truth about my child abuse, the rape, just abuse in general and that it’s not our (other survivors who have been abused) faults who don’t have the same disease as them in reference to sexuality. Please stop making it hArder for me to recover. This is my life. And I’m just going to speak from my heart, mind body, and soul. Instead of what other people have been trying to do to me.

With love,carrie Carolyn anne crocker moon Flower. I am love, I am myself, I am self-love not self-obsession. It’s my life and I deserve to live life without fear.

I was almost taken into human trafficking, and I do not want to go through it again, I want peace and love and certainty, I am a hopeless romantic, I love compassion, nurturing, being good to people, But I have flashbacks when triggered by similar experiences. Stop messing with my car, stop messing with my life, step messing with me, this isn’t a game, this is life, reality, and I can’t file for bankruptcy again. and I need support from my community to be there for me, not against me. I have dreams, and I need to make wise decisions about my finances and have a future! Because I deserve it. God forgive them for the evil that they have done, and help them where they need to be, but I am not the enemy, All I do and all I ever try to do, is be a friend and a good person. I want my life back on my side. The side of that’s wrong, unlawful, immoral, etc. etc. I’m a little bit christian, a little bit buddhist, I am philosophical, I am too old to have to explain this, I’m 35 and I can’t even use my degrees I spent so many years trying to overcome blaming me, victimizing me, and hurting me because some people think I’m somebody I’m not.

The medications I was on, everything, fucked me up in the head. so did the trauma, but I can not and I will not stand by without help to actually help me who don’t have my back. And I need those people to reveal themselves to me. Cause this is a very serious situation. I have had my life on the line for far too long.

 

This is my wish, my prayer and my desire for myself. Let me live a good life.