The bus station

Little Rock Bus Station

This place. The Little Rock bus station. This was where I was dropped off after the man raped me. Years later I have not been able to ride the bus since.

He had his “friends” or “coworkers” (fellow criminals) stalk me on the bus when my car was broken down. It was so easily done it was terrifying. People don’t understand the terror of being stalked by criminals unless they have been through it.

I tried to loose one of my tags, called the police to inform them, tried to get to safety, but no one would listen, and just treated me like I was crazy.

Of course that is also the easiest thing to do.

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When he left

I wish you would say

Don’t kill yourself

Come back

Breathe live

Don’t die

I wish you would say that

And hold me in your arms

And all the thoughts

All the feelings dissipate

And that is enough

I wish you would say

Don’t kill yourself

I’m sorry

I was wrong

To not love your heart

For being mistaken

For believing the lie

That you wanted me to die

I wish you would say

Don’t kill yourself

I miss you more than the stars

I want your smile

I want you

Fuck off Southern Comfort Snakes

As we live and breathe and die.

I lay here sitting trying not to cry

feelings rendered in life’s path

trying no to unleash

the rage in me

breathing, reading, crying,

talk to jesus girl

read scripture

just to tease US tease you.

Did you know?

not every suicidal person

has a homicidal vendetta

against women, children, & men.

confusing my mind heart & soul.

as I trust other people’s opinions, or scams, or fake-outs.

getting prank calls & actors acting & actions

as if the world is my stage

fuck this bullshit!

unrealistic resentments

lifeless

I am not a book

I am not an object

I am not Alice in wonderland

I am not Carrie the Movie

or Betty Crocker (an ad)

i’m just me, not a whore.

i’m just me, miss nevermore

never gonna win

never gonna recover

from gossip, domination, & arrogant (motherfuckers)

and while people give compassion

to everyone else but me

I get the silent treatment

because one guy hurt me real bad in my heart

and then came another and another and another and another and another

men using their dicks like guns

and my sexual body like a slave

go find a match girl

meet him on tinder, we got plenty of apps for that

meaningless sex & heartbreak

everyone clink their glasses

Happy New Year she’s just a fine piece of asses (ashes) making a fool of herself looking for love

don’t talk about suicide, don’t talk about how you were raped, don’t talk, don’t talk, laugh and have fun.

i almost used a gun on myself

a knife

almost jumped off a bridge into the interstate

after that man did what he did

they said “looking for a death wish”

well, you didn’t hear my prayers in my head assholes!

that’s not a wish i wish on any star

it’s a wish to be loved, to be cherished, to be appreciated, for my undying love for love.

hopeless romantic?

so what!

that is god or goddess or whatever you call in somebody. If thats narcissism.

actually it is pretty fucking normal.

well you should catch that bug in this web of life.

i’m looking for a man, a good man, to be in love with, as a woman, i need a good man. i’m not getting love from a being that isn’t next to me that i can touch, embrace, feel. god is an idea about good and evil. and if god is about good, i pick good, it is my internal clock now everytime.

but the blood and guts man, i can’t do it, i see the evil of men and women in those pictures of jesus crucified. i know the world is about life and death.

and god wouldn’t want me to be crucified for that man over there. or anyone for that matter.

not the real benevolent god that rules the earth that brings spring and nature. same god, every religion, positive energy.

my goddess inside me is mother nature nurture female virgo

sometimes too much, sometimes to little.

but who cares!

nobody fucking cared.

watch the devil men god, watch them, and take them out.

i do not bless them cursing me.

Love speaking here-me-my voice-my mind-my soul

The Bible is really unhealthy to read by yourself. So is a lot of what has been going on. Draw the circle? Dudes. This is why I couldn’t read the Bible. I need positive help. Same with Al-Anon and as, it’s all black and white. Heaven/hell. Sin/innocence.

I have prayed for gods forgiveness, so much. I am a sinner, but what type of sinner? I drank, I had sex, I was tempted by evil and they did what evil doers do in the name of heaven or the name of evil. That is taking the lords name in vain. That is taking peoples lives and destroying them. Me as well, but nothing I did was deliberate, I realized I was so desperate to be loved, I abstain, but I still need gods love, and forgiveness from being terrified from crime victimization. I was innocent as a child, I was innocent when I was raped in 2013. and I view the world from optimism, because that is a true child/woman/man of god and that gets me hurt, I view the world from love, and that gets me hurt, I give, and then I see people take wrong actions, act abusive or do the wrong thing, and I can’t act like I’m okay with it, get convinced to do it to myself. That’s not godly, but there is a separation between church and state. And you think i’m the evil satanic force or possibly a sociopath Does this make sense? I have no ill intentions and I don’t need excuses or reasons to be cruel to be kind. Be kind. That’s understanding me, as much as you don’t want to believe it. You are asking the wrong person. I may die a martyr, but at least I did the right thing by telling the truth about my child abuse, the rape, just abuse in general and that it’s not our (other survivors who have been abused) faults who don’t have the same disease as them in reference to sexuality. Please stop making it hArder for me to recover. This is my life. And I’m just going to speak from my heart, mind body, and soul. Instead of what other people have been trying to do to me.

With love,carrie Carolyn anne crocker moon Flower. I am love, I am myself, I am self-love not self-obsession. It’s my life and I deserve to live life without fear.

I was almost taken into human trafficking, and I do not want to go through it again, I want peace and love and certainty, I am a hopeless romantic, I love compassion, nurturing, being good to people, But I have flashbacks when triggered by similar experiences. Stop messing with my car, stop messing with my life, step messing with me, this isn’t a game, this is life, reality, and I can’t file for bankruptcy again. and I need support from my community to be there for me, not against me. I have dreams, and I need to make wise decisions about my finances and have a future! Because I deserve it. God forgive them for the evil that they have done, and help them where they need to be, but I am not the enemy, All I do and all I ever try to do, is be a friend and a good person. I want my life back on my side. The side of that’s wrong, unlawful, immoral, etc. etc. I’m a little bit christian, a little bit buddhist, I am philosophical, I am too old to have to explain this, I’m 35 and I can’t even use my degrees I spent so many years trying to overcome blaming me, victimizing me, and hurting me because some people think I’m somebody I’m not.

The medications I was on, everything, fucked me up in the head. so did the trauma, but I can not and I will not stand by without help to actually help me who don’t have my back. And I need those people to reveal themselves to me. Cause this is a very serious situation. I have had my life on the line for far too long.

 

This is my wish, my prayer and my desire for myself. Let me live a good life.

Today’s thoughts

I need an editor. Some of this stuff looks fucked up! Having to review my writing. phone writing hasn’t helped, Fml! Maybe I should take this site down temporarily. I need to go through my work and re-edit it, It’s not making anything better, should have just kept it on the shelf Until it was really ready to be seen.

Journey of Understanding my Body again

I’m going to discuss something that some men will blush at, and some women too.

However I need to discuss the path towards sexual freedom I have had since having an IUD and being single post-rape.

We live in a hook-up culture, and for me that has been something I have adapted to, almost too successfully. My ventures in finding a mate has been interesting, but lovers I have no problem finding, it’s a heart that has been the hardest to find that matches mine.

I have found that I am not bothered as much by some of the things that used to bother me for so long. Part of it is letting go of an expectation that love, and sex, are the same thing, when in fact they are NOT the same thing.

Love is born out of liking things about other people, appreciating how they act towards others, how they sneeze, or even the stuff some may find stupid, like the sound they make snoring, or the look they have on their face when they think you are not paying attention, or the empathy you feel towards another human being. There are different facets of love and affection, but true, I’ll tell you when I actually find it, I know it will happen someday.

Like my ex, I loved how he rubbed his feet together at night, how he would wrap himself like a butterfly in a cocoon when he had the bed all to himself. There are things I have found in several people I have loved on a simple level, appreciated for who they are, but also know intuitively it is and has been a temporary time, to teach me how to love. Then there are some that the things they did still bother me to this day, and if I see that similar behavior in someone else, I flashback to the awful ways they treated me for example, and I even treated them because of how awful it was truly. Some people are just not good for one another as well.

Sex is different, each person has their different smell, their different desires, their different energy and ways of having sex. But their body is one thing, it is different than their soul, or their heart even. Sex is just being present with the body of another person. Not about control of that person, it’s about just enjoying that time together, even if it is temporary, and if its not enjoyable, walk away, that is what I have done, politely and gently. I have not had sex with every man I have been seen with. I have not participated with every person that has voiced or shown me their interest. I have mistakenly been with some guys, I have had no business being with, because I’m not some notch to put on a belt, and some of these guys, I’ve been just that.

But I had choices, and I have the power to choose. And that is the difference post-rape. With that man, who has a soul, who is sick and twisted in his mind, he used sex as a way to dominate a woman, It could have been any woman, it wasn’t about me. And that is the hardest thing to understand. We are emotionally detached from our bodies, and the violation done to my body was so traumatizing, it scrambled me up like a blender. I won’t equipped to deal with it, I wasn’t able to handle it, and I got so lost in that, I lost myself, which is the worse thing possible.

Instead I have had people treat my body, and my sexuality as an extension of my inner soul, and this has been useful. My body is the vessel that carries my soul during however long of a time I have on this planet as me. After that I’m in God’s hands. I may be someone else in reincarnate form, I may go to heaven, who knows, I may just be a transfer of energy to the local plants I am spread on or I am planted under. There is no telling what will happen to this body when it is time for it to quit. But right now my body is mine, and I have choices, and it all starts with my thoughts being in line with my heart, in line with my soul, in line with my body and its actions.

I have learned enough about my sexuality and my sexual desires to know, I’m not interested in idle hook ups, but I know that each person has taught me something about myself, and is leading me to who I am meant to be with. It has also brought me closer to myself, and who I want to be, and also has shown me who I don’t want to be. Despite some people’s vocalization of calling me names and other things, I know god knows me, and the only thing I can do is try to do no harm, and leave people better than when I found them.

And as I learned going to Africa, witnessing and speaking with teenage women who were subject to Female Genital Mutilation, and how they risked death to run away from their family, and was found by the people of the school and saved, and given a second chance, I am thankful I have grown up in America. Some of the things I have discovered from this trip is how thankful I am to at least know, I have a choice, just like they did, and I can choose a better life, even facing possible death. Those girls have courage, some were raped before being found, some even married and sold for 6 cows before they ran away. And I am the same as those teenage girls, we are of the same tribe, a group of women who have known hate for being a woman, been taught to hate our bodies, been taught to be nothing more than a slave to a man.

I remember how I felt hatred for myself, for being punished to not being willing to pop out children for my ex, at least not yet, even if I loved him, he punished me for my insolence and found a younger woman to pop out children for him. And that is fine, they are souls and they are people too, they have a right to live that life, and to choose that life. But I was punished for it, and hated and ridiculed for it, more so from the psychological abuse and damage done to me from the rejection, and I think that made me more vulnerable to other attacks by others, because a woman is no man’s best friend according to my ex. At least that is what he told me, I wasn’t good enough as a woman to be a best friend.

And I’m not that woman that he told me I am, like the young woman in Africa I was blessed to meet, we have strength and we have courage, and we have voices, and we share a connection no man could ever understand. Men want to think they are gods, but they are not, a true man is a man or woman who knows they are of god, but not god. And some woman would like to think that being a sex object makes her worthy, or a goddess herself. And that is what my body needed, to know myself, and to know I’m truly not alone, that I’m human, a woman, and that is strong and good enough.  In Africa and in the US, in the other places I have been, I am enough as I am, and I’m sorry if you don’t understand that, I hope you do someday.