Today after visiting with my therapist I wrote a letter to the parole board in regards to the rapists upcoming review. He is currently in prison serving for failing to register as a sex offender and fleeing the county. Not for my rape, I may not be able to prosecute… I wrote explicit details that I will no longer visit or share. I have enough flashbacks. But today was hard and filled with gratitude.
Today I was reminded of the fact I am very lucky. I did not get murdered like the rapist threatened to do to me, I only got raped. Fucked up way of looking at it, but I’m alive. I am still apprehensive of when he will be released, and the financial ramifications of what the rape and crime did to my life. I am praying for god’s guidance for what to do next and praying for the most positive outcome, expecting nothing.
Writing the parole opposition letter made me revisit the events of that day. The events leading to it, and the events afterwards that are slow dissipating from the primary explosion. It has been like a bomb going off in my life. Sensory overload, thought overload, fear overload in ways I don’t think many could ever understand. I am coming to acceptance with the reality of how things are and are not. I am grateful to just be alive.
I am finding more and more reasons to live. Despite other people’s aggression causing me to go on the defensive and their aggression and domestic violence. I am focusing on security, in fact just received a letter proving the second identity theft that has occurred. I have a real case. However, It is hard to have people deny and try to get me to prove information and facts that are self-explanatory. But it will all work out in the end. The hardest part have been individuals trying to call me a liar, and letting individuals like that distract me from taking care of myself, their words and actions leaving stains. The easiest part has actually to be to remain calm and maintain calm. To not allow other people to try and prevent a healthy recovery of which I deserve. The coming to terms with knowing people are untrustworthy first and foremost, that I deserve for my trust to be earned, to not give it so freely has been difficult for me. I was a naturally trusting and forgiving person. I would give the shirt off my back for a friend in need when I could, I spoiled some friends by being this way, and when I had nothing to give, they lost interest and went to character assassination. I was in an emergency. If people expect someone to be calm when a traumatic experience occurs, then they are not comprehending the reality of what a traumatic experience is.
The trusting person that’s not me any longer. It’s hard to change. And I’m not going to ruin somebody else’s life just because I feel owed. It will only be based off their actions in regards to how they handle situations. Only then am I going to respond, and I have every legal right to protect myself from being murdered, harassed, threatened, and abused.
If someone does not like this, then what does that say about them. I just wish I had my cat back. She has Hepatitis B and is not safe to be around children. Some people I swear to christ.
Below is a link to letters to those who are in need of writing an Opposition for Parole Letter:
After signing up for Arkansas Vine Link I have been notified and updated about my rapist. If you would like to express your anger towards the rapist, and your fears of him being released, and fears of him causing harm, and wanting justice to be served to prevent him from raping another person you can contact the Arkansas Parole Board. Write a letter to the Parole Board and send it to them. I’d appreciate it.
Even in my most hysterical moments I have contacted and notified higher authorities, in regards to this man and his disposition to cause harm to other individuals. I flipped out when he stole my phone that had addresses in it. Those are other people that could be affected by this man. This greatly concerns me, not only for myself, but what if he goes after someone else I know personally, and the rape event that occurred in my life, happens to someone else? These are things that kept me up at night. Kept other people up at night. Fear. Mind-numbing, mind-blacking fear, fear of other people retaliating against me because I was victimized, prior and during and after the rapist was introduced into my life by other parties. I did not know this man, but He knew about me. I must say that has been the most frightening and terrifying and paranoia inducing experience in my god damn life. I don’t know if I will be able to trust people fully again.
Like today, at my therapy appointment, I saw a man being taken to the hospital for suicidal thoughts. I know what that is like. Wanting to end your life because of depression, but since my thyroid levels have stabilized, my antidepressants are correct, my diagnosis is correct, I feel less ashamed of what it took to get me here. I have a disease. It is treatable, and I will stick with recovery.
I discovered that when I got pregnant, it triggered my thyroid issues, which explains a lot: My allergies, my hypoglycemia, my reactions to birth control and them making me suicidal sometimes, a lot of things. So now a medical reason is completely verifiably and covered within the law (as it always was). This is a Huge weight off my shoulders and the most wonderful news I’ve heard in a long time. I don’t have to live with the guilt and shaming tactics of a group of peoples Oxford method to brainwash me into thinking I’m somebody I’m not. I knew it, but having it told to me and seeing verifiable results, speaking with other people, honoring myself and my experience, discussing and having individuals with professional experience with these things, and papers, and discussions, and validations to my experience has helped me out tremendously. Raped people aren’t the enemies. The rapists are. Remember that always.